Thursday, August 04, 2005

Dog Cloning
South Korean researchers have become the first scientists to successfully clone a dog. The Korean team admits they weren't trying to achieve a breakthrough; it's just that a few extra friends came over for dinner and they needed seconds.

Dog Cloning II
Scientists all over the world are excited by the genetic breakthrough achieved by the South Korean team that successfully cloned a dog. But dogs across the world are excited that the cloning has finally made it easy for them to smell their own butts!

Time Warner Settlement Fund
Time Warner has put $3 billion in reserve to respond to shareholder lawsuits stemming from its disastrous merger with AOL. It will also need to set aside an additional $5 billion to respond to angry viewers in the wake of the disastrous changes at CNN.

Shuttle Repairs
Discovery astronaut Steve Robinson successfully repaired some protruding material from the shuttle's underbelly yesterday, but there may be more work needed. Geez, for $800 billion you'd think they'd be able to take it back to the dealer for repairs!

Top 5 Additional Repairs Needed on Shuttle Discovery

5) In-flight DVD player needs to be fixed before crew starts asking "are we there yet" for 500,000 miles

4) The back of the shuttle really needs a new air freshener

3) Astronauts would really like to break the speaker that blasts the crappy wake up music from Houston every morning

2) Shuttle commander's cup holder just a little too small to hold that Big Gulp Slurpee she's been craving

1) The "When the Shuttle's A-Rockin', Don't Come A-Knockin'" bumper sticker is starting peeling off

Extra Time for Martha
After taking some unsupervised trips outside her house, Martha Stewart's home confinement has been extended for another three weeks. Stewart is agreeing not to fight the extension, as she believes being made to take the extra punishment will make her just bitchy enough to successfully run her company again.

Sony Settlement
A federal court has ruled that Sony Pictures must pay $1.5 million to moviegoers because favorable reviews for five of its recent films turned out to be fakes. But the court is not forcing the studio to make any payment to millions of film fans who were disappointed to learn that there really is no Spider-Man.

Adidas Buys Reebok
Adidas is looking to challenge Nike with a takeover of Reebok. Adidas is paying $3.8 billion for the deal, but to gain additional "street cred," it's having Reebok founder Paul Fireman killed in a drive-by shooting.


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