Top 5 Things Carl Icahn Wants to Change About Time Warner

5) Fire whomever is responsible for turning CNN into "Eyewitness News at 11"

4) Get those people on "The Gilmore Girls" to talk slower!

3) Make whoever actually decides to send those AOL CD's to everyone on Earth to publicly eat every one of them on national TV

2) More shows with naked breasts on HBO!

1) Make everyone happy and just get rid of the Atlanta Braves

Constitution Breakdown
The Iraqi government has postponed ratification of its new constitution until it can agree on how much power religion should have in its society. The U.S. would like to help, but our government can’t figure that one out over here either!

Demi & Ashton
In an interview for the new issue of Vanity Fair, Demi Moore talks about how Ashton Kutcher is her true soul mate. Right now the only people buying that line are Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.

250 Miles a Gallon!
A California man named Ron Gremban has come up with a simple device that allows his hybrid car to get up to 250 miles a gallon. It’s not clear which oil company will assassinate him first, but Mr. Gremban has about 48 hours to live.

Jimmi’s Lie
A new book says that Jimmi Hendrix was able to stay out of Vietnam by telling his draft board that he was a homosexual. So pretending to be gay is responsible for some of rock’s greatest music, but also about 200 stupid episodes of “Three’s Company.”

Harvard Research
Harvard University launching a research project to study how life really begins… in other words those Harvard geeks are just trying to see pictures of naked women.

Roberts on School Prayer
New records show that in 1985, Supreme Court nominee John Roberts favored bringing prayer back to the public schools. But those views seem tame and irrelevant now that conservative Republicans are mostly working to abolish public schools.