No Smoking Policy
Kentucky Fried Chicken and Pizza Hut have both announced they will enact a No Smoking policy at all their restaurants. The fast food chains are devoted to making sure their customers die of heart disease, not lung cancer.

Top 5 Signs that Fuel Prices are Out of Control

5) Second mortgage lenders are now setting up shop at local gas stations

4) Restaurants are still serving vinegar and oil salad dressing, but you have to leave a deposit first

3) Michael Jackson actually seen trying to board a bus... oh wait, that was a school bus

2) Tom Cruise breaking up with Katie Holmes for younger actress with a hybrid car

1) Guy who changes the price signs at your local gas station is in the hospital for exhaustion

Trans Fat Ban
The New York City health department is asking all city restaurants to stop cooking with trans fats in their kitchens; it's just not that good for the rats.

Oil for Food Evidence
Investigators continue to find evidence of UN officials who benefited from the "oil for food scandal." Meanwhile, White House officials continue to profit from an economic scheme most Americans know as the "oil OR food scandal."

Hero Cabbie
The cop-killing married couple who escaped from a Tennessee courthouse were caught thanks to a cab driver who didn't believe their cover story. Of course. when the cabbie first realized they were really a pair of murderous criminals and not Amway salespeople, he was actually relieved.

Heathrow Hell
British Airways has suspended all flights out of Heathrow Airport, because of a labor dispute. The move is unprecedented for British Airways, whereas stranding 20,000 airline passengers indefinitely is something United Airlines does about twice a week.

Bush Promise
President Bush is refusing to reduce the number of U.S. troops in Iraq. Bush insisted that withdrawing our forces too soon would deny every Iraqi's right to die in a car bombing.

Palmeiro Back
Rafael Palmeiro returned to the Orioles from his 10-day steroid suspension yesterday, but he did not play in last night's game versus the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Palmeiro didn't want to come back into the lineup until the Orioles faced a real team.

Rapist Search
Police in Pinellas Park, Florida are locking down pools citywide as they search for a rapist. Apparently they're worried the man will try to hide underwater for days at a time.