Highway Bill
President Bush signed a $286.4 billion highway construction bill yesterday, saying it will bring better roads to all Americans. Too bad most Americans can't afford to drive on any roads right now.

Top 5 Things President Bush Likes about the New Highway Bill

5) Gets America working again… as ditch diggers and road pavers

4) More road construction should eliminate those annoying trees that are still hanging around some parts of the country

3) Gives all the extremely cash-poor oil companies some light at the end of the tunnel

2) More roads means more Americans stuck in traffic listening to Rush Limbaugh

1) He loves the smell of fresh tar in the morning

Homeland Security Fears
Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff says Americans shouldn't worry about turning over personal information to the government — especially if they want to be safe from terrorism in a post-9/11 world. And he added that we really shouldn't get too upset since the government started illegally spying on all of us years before 9/11 anyway.

Jeb's Protest
Florida Governor Jeb Bush says the NCAA's decision to ban Native American team names and mascots is "ridiculous." He then continued his more important work trying to find a new excuse to reopen the Terri Schiavo investigation.

Detroit Chemical Explosion
An explosion at a hazardous waste plant rocked Detroit earlier this week. Before the incident, the plant had been the only part of Detroit that wasn't already on fire.

General Fired Details
It turns out the Army fired 4-star General Kevin Byrnes because he was having an extra-marital affair with a civilian. 2 ½ years of occupying Iraq and THAT's the invasion the Army calls illegal?

High School Work Ethic
A new survey shows that almost nine in 10 American teens say they would work harder if their high school expected more of them. They expressed strong support for more homework and harder tests, just as long as they can keep bringing their guns to school.

$100 Million to the Moon
A private company is selling two trips to the moon for $100 million each. Sure that's a lot of money, but think of all the frequent flier miles you'll be getting!

Video Game Freak
A 28-year-old South Korean man died of exhaustion in Seoul yesterday after playing video games non-stop for 49 hours. Friends say his other obsession was watching porn, but he only needed to do that for seven minutes at a time.

Tennessee Fugitives
Police are still looking for a married Tennessee couple that staged a deadly courthouse escape Tuesday. Cops say the couple probably won't succeed in eluding them for long, but they have already succeeded in getting Nancy Grace to talk about something on her show other than that teen missing in Aruba.