Too Hot
It was so hot this weekend; Rafael Palmeiro actually put all of his steroids into a popsicle!

Limbaugh to the Rescue
Rush Limbaugh is offering his services to help settle the feud in the Philadelphia Eagles camp between wide receiver Terrell Owens and quarterback Donovan McNabb. Limbaugh won’t exactly be doing any counseling, but he will give them six truckloads of his spare prescription tranquilizers.

Gaza Pullout
Most of the eight thousand Jewish settlers are slowly moving out of Gaza. The Israeli government is moving their possessions and even some of their buildings, while Prime Minister Ariel Sharon is offering to take all the leftover food.

Gaza Pullout II
Now that most of the Jewish settlers have left Gaza, they’ll have to go to new homes and learn how to do new jobs, learn how to deal with new surroundings, and learn how to shave.

Gaza Pullout III
The Jewish settlers moving out of Gaza are being compensated by the Israeli government for all their abandoned homes. Meanwhile, Palestinians in Gaza will be compensated by Saudi Arabia for all their unused bombs.

New White House Chef
Cristeta Comerford has been chosen as the first woman head chef at the White House. Of course, Comerford had an advantage over the other applicants; she was the only one who knew that President Bush likes his chicken nuggets cut to look like little dinosaurs.

Pirro’s Husband Trouble
Critics say New York Senate candidate Jeanine Pirro’s husband, who has fathered a child out of wedlock and been to jail, will hurt her campaign. Not because of his activities, but because voters will naturally think he’s more qualified to be a U.S. Senator.

Pirro-Clinton Similarities
Both New York Senator Hillary Clinton and her challenger, Jeanine Pirro, have been screwed and betrayed by their husbands… well; at least they know what it’s like to be one of the voters!