Fuel Efficiency Standards
The White House is now calling for fuel efficiency standards for SUV’s and pickup trucks. But the oil companies are responding with the sure-fire method they’ve used for decades whenever they’re faced with conservation efforts; they’re giving some jobs to members of the Bush family.

Subway Security
The defense contractor Lockheed Martin has been hired to improve security on New York City subways. But the company’s engineers still haven’t come up with a missile strong enough to destroy even half the rats.

Robinson vs. Chavez
Televangelist Pat Robertson is calling on the U.S. to assassinate Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. Of course the easiest way to do that would to make Chavez watch Robertson’s show.

Robinson vs. Chavez II
Robinson made his comments on “The 700 Club,” which is a program named after the estimated number of viewers the show still has.

FBI Wedding Sting
The FBI arrested 87 people in a sting operation after convincing the suspects they were all invited to a seaside wedding. Authorities say they seized $4.4 million dollars worth of counterfeit money, drugs, and awful-looking figurines that weren’t even on the gift registry.

Pataki Tapes
New York Governor George Pataki is calling for criminal charges to be filed against the people responsible for taping some of his private phone conversations. But everyone else wants to give these people a medal for finally giving them something to help them fall asleep.

Kmart Charges
The SEC is charging the former CEO of Kmart with deliberately making misleading statements… not for covering up bad accounting, but for trying to fool people into thinking Kmart actually sold things that aren’t completely tacky.