Constitution Vote
The two major factions in the new Iraqi government have agreed to wait three more days before holding a final vote on the new constitution. Each side figures the other will probably lose some key votes in the three daily car bombings before then.

Missing Boyfriend
Olivia Newton-John’s boyfriend has been missing since July 1st. Police believe he may have gone to the same place where Newton-John’s career disappeared to 20 years ago.

Top 5 Worst Party Schools

5) University of California at Chino State Prison

4) Perpetually Frozen Great Lake University

3) Florida Elderly University

2) Bob Jones’ even more Conservative Brother Frank Jones University

1) The College of William, Mary, and Their Three Toddler Kids

Rudolph Apologizes
At his sentencing yesterday, convicted bomber Eric Rudolph apologized to the victims of the Olympic Park bombing, but not to the victims of his attacks on an abortion clinic and a gay nightclub. Experts say doing that could hurt Rudolph’s chances of winning the Republican nomination for Governor of Georgia if he ever gets out.

Stem Cell Breakthrough
Scientists have announced they've discovered a way to work with embryonic stem cells without having to follow the controversial step of destroying human embryos. But conservative Republicans won’t agree to fund the new project until they find out if the scientists believe in evolution.

Synthesizer Inventor Dies
Robert A. Moog, the inventor of the synthesizer, has died at age 71. The only person responsible for making more lousy musicians sound decent is the guy who invented ecstasy.

Love Pregnant?
Reports say that Courtney Love is pregnant, shocking scientists who believed that nothing could actually live inside Love’s body for any period of time.

Disguised Terrorists
The government is warning that terrorists may pose as homeless people to stake out buildings and mass transit stations for future attacks. But they should be easy to spot; they’ll be the panhandlers asking for a dollar so they can buy a cup of Turkish coffee.