Top 5 Ways Americans are Cutting Back on Gas

5) No longer driving to the mailbox at the end of the driveway and back

4) Elderly Americans who went to Canada to get cheaper prescription drugs just not bothering to come back home

3) Now non-religious Americans are home schooling their kids just so they won’t have to drive them to class

2) Only going out for the essentials, like cigarettes and Lotto tickets

1) Walking to gas station, filling jug, then walking it back home to their massive, unnecessary SUV’s

USS Cole Suit
A federal judge has ruled that victims of the terrorist attack on the USS Cole can pursue a lawsuit against the government of Sudan. If successful, the plaintiffs are expected to be compensated with a portion of the proceeds from Sudan’s two biggest exports: deposed dictators and sand.

Global Warming Warning
Scientists now say ice is melting in the Arctic at such a rate, that the oceans are reaching ice-free levels not seen in a million years. Pat Robertson is reacting by calling on the U.S. to assassinate the Sun.

New Freshmen
Today’s college freshmen were born in 1987, which means they’ve never known a world without Starbuck’s, or been able to afford any Starbuck’s coffee with their own money.

Gym Study
A new study shows that high school girls are more likely to exercise vigorously while they're in girls-only physical-education classes. Not surprisingly, the study also found that when boys are separated from girls in school, they tend to exercise more vigorously as well… but later in the day when they’re home alone.

Base Closing Reversal
A Congressional committee has voted to reverse the Pentagon’s decision to close two naval bases in the Northeast. As much as the Congressmen would have liked to stick it to New England, it turned out that no one in the red states knows how to maintain any boats that don’t catch catfish.

Iraqi State Plan
Shiites in Iraq are bitterly opposed to an American plan to divide the country into several states, as opposed to making it one big nation. It’s not that the Shiites have any religious objections; it’s just that they really don’t want to pay all those tolls whenever they drive cross-country.

Subway Cell Service
Plans are underway to set up cell phone service on the New York City subway, but only on the platforms, not on the actual trains. Which means you still should be able to hold about a two-hour conversation while you’re waiting for the damn D train.