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Aid for Katrina Victims
Hurricane Katrina evacuees in Houston will soon get $2,000 debit cards from FEMA. That's means they'll have to choose between getting a month's worth of groceries or half a tank of gas.

Aid for Katrina Victims II
Hurricane Katrina evacuees in Houston will soon get $2,000 debit cards from FEMA. Of course if they want to get real government help, they should all immediately donate that two grand to Tom DeLay's legal defense fund.

FBI Katrina Warning
The FBI is warning that scammers are trying to take advantage of Americans who want to donate money to help Hurricane Katrina victims. The bureau says the biggest scammer posing as a leader of a relief organization is FEMA Director Mike Brown.

New iPod
Apple has unveiled the "iPod nano," which is even smaller and thinner than a pencil. The company says it wanted to make a music player light enough to keep with you even as you wait 10 days for the government to save you from a natural disaster.

Would-Be Assassin Indictment
A federal grand jury in Washington indicted a citizen of the Eastern European nation of Georgia yesterday for unsuccessfully attempting to assassinate President Bush with a hand grenade. Next, the grand jury is expected to indict Hurricane Katrina for successfully assassinating President Bush.

Ukraine Government Crisis
Ukrainian President Viktor Yushchenko has fired all his top officials, saying they had lost their "team spirit"... well that's what he gets for appointing a cabinet made up mostly of Kansas City Royals fans.

Berger Sentenced
A judge has ordered Sandy Berger, President Clinton's national security adviser, to pay a $50,000 fine for illegally sneaking classified documents out of the National Archives. The court went with the most severe fine, not because the documents were so sensitive, but because Berger stuffed them all in his boxers.

No Gay Marriage
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger says he'll veto a new bill legalizing gay marriage because it "violates the voters' wishes," which is something he knows a lot about since the fact that he's still in office is also violating the voters' wishes.

Arafat Not Poisoned
French medical records show it is highly unlikely that poisoning caused the death of Palestinian President Yasser Arafat. It's strange how someone who poisoned everything he ever touched had no trace of poison in his own body.