Hostage Rescued
After more than 10 months in captivity, U.S. troops freed American hostage Roy Hallums from insurgents in Iraq today. The Pentagon says it would have moved faster to rescue Hallums, but it first had to confirm that he wasn't black or a hurricane victim.

Hostage Rescued II
After more than 10 months in captivity, U.S. troops freed American hostage Roy Hallums from insurgents in Iraq today. Actually, al Qaeda just let Hallums go, because after seeing our response to Hurricane Katrina, it's pretty obvious the U.S. doesn't really care about its citizens anymore anyway.

Katrina Job Loss
The government now says up to 400,000 people will lose their jobs because of Hurricane Katrina. The good news is that each one of those 400,000 people knows they're more qualified than FEMA director Michael Brown to do almost anything.

Katrina Job Loss II
The government now says up to 400,000 people will lose their jobs because of Hurricane Katrina. But the Bush administration is working hard to find them all new jobs... in Iraq.

Top 5 Best New Jobs for Katrina Victims

5) Wake-up caller for FEMA Director Mike Brown

4) Barbara Bush shutter-upper

3) Network TV pilot-watcher (hey, they've already been through Hell anyway)

2) Kansas City Royals Manager (disaster experience does come in handy)

1) Gas station money counter (lots of overtime)

Jacko Song
Michael Jackson is releasing a new single to benefit the victims of Hurrican Katrina. Jackson says he recorded the song because for some reason, no one has accepted his other offer to house all the Hurricane Victims' children at the Neverland Ranch.

Oil Gouging
Despite a drop in oil prices, the cost of gasoline in the U.S. continues to surge. The oil companies insist they're not gouging; it's just that with all the Bush administration staffers likely to be fired over the Hurricane Katrina debacle, they need to be ready to hire and give them all tremendous executive salaries.

Superdome's Future
Experts say the New Orleans Superdome will likely have to be demolished because of several problems inculding the huge amount of human waste on the turf. Of course by that logic, they should have demolished Giants Stadium years ago.

Egypt Election
Egypt is holding its first-ever contested presidential election... which is the nice way of saying it's the first time there's been more than one dumb guy who actually wants to be president of Egypt.

Ford Recall
Ford has issued a safety recall for 3.8 million of its SUV's and light trucks. Repairs will be made for free at local dealerships, but with gas prices this high, it will take owners several weeks to be able to afford to bring them in.

United Bankruptcy Plan
United Airlines plans to exit bankruptcy in early 2006... or the next time the 9am flight from New York to O'Hare actually lands on time, whichever comes first.