Bush Request
In his speech to the nation last night, President Bush urged private citizens to do their part in the Hurricane Katrina recovery effort. And while they're at it, the president would also like them to help fix the problems with Social Security, health insurance and Iraq so he can go back on vacation.

Bush Security
President Bush gave his speech in New Orleans' famed French Quarter, where troops from the 82nd Airborne Division patrolled the area looking for gay people.

Chavez Accusation
Venezuela's President Hugo Chavez told the UN yesterday that he believes the United States is "fueling terrorism." Of course that accusation is crazy, these days Americans can't even afford fuel!

Vatican Gay Hunt
Investigators appointed by the Vatican have been instructed to review each of the 229 Roman Catholic seminaries in the U.S. for evidence of homosexuality. Officials at the Vatican wants to get a handle on this data as soon as possible so they can start covering it up.

Top 5 Signs You're at a Gay Catholic Seminary

5) Courses offered to students include, Theology, Philosophy, and Interior Decorating

4) This year's student play is "Funny Girl"

3) The Seminary's church organ has a "disco beat" setting

2) Your football team got its ass kicked by the girls from the convent across the street

1) Your roommate keeps asking you to take him to the Senior Prom

Director's Death
"West Side Story" director Robert Wise has died in Hollywood at the age of 91. With his death, it's not clear who will teach New York's violent street gangs to sing and dance.

German Passports
Because new German facial recognition scanners work best with neutral expressions, officials are telling German citizens not to smile for their passport photos. Luckily, no German has actually smiled in about 250 years anyway.