Brown's Explanation
Former FEMA director Michael Brown told a Congressional panel yesterday that his biggest mistake was "not recognizing that Louisiana was dysfunctional." Actually, his biggest mistake was not recognizing that Louisiana was part of the United States.

Brown's Explaination II
Former FEMA director Michael Brown told a Congressional panel that Louisiana Governor Kathleen Blanco and New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin are mostly to blame for the botched Hurricane Katrina rescue effort. Brown insists things would have been better if Blanco and Nagin had just roomed with some rescue workers when they were in college.

Top 5 Questions Congress Should Have Asked Former FEMA Director Mike Brown

5) "Do you realize how much you really suck?"

4) "As a matter of public information and safety, will you tell us what other government officials you roomed with back in college?"

3) "Did you ever think you'd be considered even more inept than President Bush?"

2) "Are you aware that because of this hearing none of us are able to properly mourn Don Adams?"

1) "You're wife just called, and apparently your basement's been flooded for five days. When are you going to do something about it?"

Iraq Assessment
Joint Chiefs Chairman General Richard Myers says that defeating the Iraqi insurgency is as important as winning World War II was 60 years ago... so I guess we'll be dropping a nuclear bomb on Baghdad in a few weeks.

R. Kelly & Wife
R. Kelly's and his wife Andrea are trying to reconcile. He is promising not to be violent anymore, and she is promising to dress more like a 13-year old from now on.

Peace Protest
Four peace activists in New York who spilled their blood on an American flag were convicted of damaging government property. But it's still not clear if the prosecution considered the government property to be the flag or their blood.

Suge's Second Act
Hip-hop mogul Marion "Suge" Knight says he's considering quitting the rap industry and becoming a college football coach. Experts say Knight would make a great coach because his players would know that if they don't win, they'll all get shot.

Georgia Protest
Two Georgia parents are protesting the governor's plan to close all schools in the state for two days to save fuel. The parents co-own a chain of gas stations in Atlanta.