Don Adams Dies
Don Adams, who played the bungling secret agent Maxwell Smart, has died at the age of 82. Adams' character was a mainstay of primetime TV in 1960's, and then made a comeback as an actual CIA agent when he confirmed the existence of all the Iraqi WMD's.

Top 5 Signs You've Returned to New Orleans Too Early

5) Anderson Cooper and his crew are still camping out in what used to be your living room

4) Former FEMA director Mike Brown wants to know if you'll hire him to drain your basement

3) The Saints are holding their practices in your backyard

2) The UPS guy needs you to sign for the entire city's relief packages

1) George W. Bush is still President

Pennant Race
The Yankees and the Red Sox are tied for first place with seven games to go over the next seven days. FEMA is responding to the possible crisis by sending extra steroid dealers and prostitutes to both Boston and New York.

Van Der Sloot Speaks
Aruban murder suspect Joran van der Sloot told a TV interviewer he is innocent of any wrongdoing in the Natalee Holloway case. He added that his lawyers are coming up with more great defense strategies to take the pressure off of him, like 3 or 4 more hurricanes.

China Launch
China has scheduled its next manned space flight for October 13th. The crew's mission is to reprogram several Chinese satellites so that they will only spy on Lou Dobbs.

Rita Evacuations
While officials are noting the successful evacuation of Houston in the face of Hurricane Rita, many are concerned that the evacuation itself presented new problems, including 100-mile highway back-ups, motorists running out of gas, and too many damn drivers blasting Alan Jackson songs out of their car windows.

Jeter Threatened
Derek Jeter has received a death threat in the mail from someone posing as a jealous black woman, who wants him to stop dating white women. Police say the letter-writer is probably Alex Rodriguez.

Iraqi Doctors Flee
Hundreds of Iraqi doctors are fleeing Iraq for America because of the persistent violence in Iraq. But the smarter ones are staying put, knowing they have a better chance fighting the insurgents than the insurance companies.

Jacko's Strategy
Michael Jackson is reportedly trying to put his child-molestation trial behind him by reinventing himself as a womanizer... he's starting by trying to buy Katie Holmes' contract from Tom Cruise.

Debt Relief
The World Bank has endorsed a sweeping plan to wipe out billions in debt owed by the world's poorest countries, including Ethiopia, Somalia, and New Orleans.

Polish Election
Poland's new government will be headed by twin brothers who will serve as Prime Minister and President of the country. It's the best thing to happen to the brothers since they got those roles as the Olsen twins' foreign love interests in a straight-to-video production back in 1996.

Young Surgery
Neil Young says he recorded his new album just before undergoing surgery earlier this year for a brain aneurysm. And people who listened to the album had to undergo brain surgery just to get those songs out of their heads.