DeLay Indicted
House Majority Leader Tom DeLay has been indicted for campaign finance violations. DeLay says he will now step down as leader so he can devote more time to covering up the rest of his illegal campaign donations.

Top 5 Tom DeLay Defense Strategies

5) Spray his spare bottles of hairspray in the prosecutor's eyes

4) Blame it all on Michael Schiavo

3) Funnel all the extra illegal money to the guy running against the District Attorney

2) Offer every member of the jury free gas for a year

1) Get the prosecution to put former FEMA director Mike Brown on their legal team

Millionaire Population
The number of millionaires living in the U.S. has jumped by 700,000 this year... but that's only because most oil executives are having lots of babies.

Bush Conservation
To help ease the gas shortage, President Bush is urging people to cut back on travel. He specifically suggested we all avoid unnecessary trips to do frivolous things... like voting.

Laura Bush on TV
First Lady Laura Bush tried to show her compassion this week by joining the cast of ABC's Extreme Makeover: Home Edition as they distributed clothes in Mississippi. Meanwhile, President Bush tried to show he cares about black people by appearing on three different sitcoms on UPN.

Transplant Scandal
A Los Angeles hospital has admitted to giving a liver transplant to a Saudi national instead of sicker Americans who were ahead of him on the donor list. Man, what some people won't give up for cheap gas these days!

Anna's Appeal
The Supreme Court has decided to consider Anna Nicole Smith's fight to get the $474 million dollar estate of her late husband. Finally, a case where Clarence Thomas will be familiar with the plaintiff's merits!

Oprah's Land Buy
Oprah Winfrey is buying an additional 63 acres of land on the Hawaiian island of Maui, where she already owns 102 acres. It's a sure sign she's about to go off her diet.

Saudi Drivers
Speaking in Riyadh this week, Undersecretary of State Karen Hughes criticized Saudi Arabia's religious rules that prevent women from driving. That's opposed to America, where women are prevented from driving by high gas prices.

Hostage Drugs
Ashley Smith, the woman who persuaded the Atlanta courthouse gunman to release her by reading to him from "The Purpose-Driven Life," now admits that she also gave him her stash of crystal methamphetamines. Of course, taking crystal meth is the only way you can get through reading "The Purpose Driven Life."

Phony Wedding?
Reporters in Hollywood are hearing rumors that Ashton Kutcher's wedding to Demi Moore was just an elaborate "Punk'd" set-up... as opposed to Kutcher's acting career, which is DEFINITELY just an elaborate "Punk'd" set-up.

New $10 Bill
The new design for the $10 bill features new security features as well as splashes of orange, yellow, and red. The new bills are not only a weapon against counterfeiters, but they also go a long way toward buying hotels on Park Place.