NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in the Punchlines column in today's Newsday! Here's the link: Newsday

Rainy Weather
It's been so rainy in New York that even George Steinbrenner is too waterlogged to fire anybody.

Avian Flu in Europe
Published reports say the dreaded avian flu has come to Europe. But doctors won't know how contagious the illness really is until it's detected in a continent with people who actually shower.

Chewbacca Immigrates
The actor who played Chewbacca in the Star Wars movies is about to become an American citizen. The last big, hairy, and non-communicative foreigner to become a U.S. citizen was Rupert Murdoch.

Miers Not Quitting
A White House statement insists Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers is not going to withdraw her nomination saying, "No one who knows her record and her qualifications would make such a suggestion." Which is true, because there is no one who actually knows her record and qualifications.

Civil Rights Pioneer
Vivian Malone, the woman who became the first African-American student at the University of Alabama, has died at the age of 63. Malone risked everything to get a college education, but since she graduated from the University of Alabama, she still didn't really get one.

Princeton Club
Students at Princeton University are starting a chastity club to support their beliefs that pre-marital sex is wrong. Luckily, no one's wanted to have sex with a Princeton undergrad since Brooke Shields graduated 20 years ago.