Missing Village Person
An arrest warrant has been issued for Victor Willis, who was the policeman in the 70's group The Village People. Willis is still at large, but authorities expect to find him by searching all of the nation's gay donut shops.

Orgasm Crime
A Brazilian woman has filed a police complaint against her lover for not giving her an orgasm. Well, if that's something you can get arrested for, we're in the middle of a worldwide crime spree!

Top 5 White House Strategies to Boost President Bush's Approval Rating

5) Replace Harriet Miers as Supreme Court nominee with that hot chick from "The Practice"

4) Make tearful confession on Oprah

3) Institute a national lottery, first prize: free gas!

2) Get Laura to "show a little leg"

1) Take a permanent nap

Bush's Future
Facing a number of crises threatening his administration, President Bush and his team are hoping to salvage the remainder of his presidency by refocusing his attention on his larger economic and foreign policy goals. So, now all he has to do is get some economic and foreign policy goals.

Florida Power Out
In the wake of Hurricane Wilma, about 6 million Floridians are still without power... actually there are about 10 million Floridians without power, but they're the ones who tried to vote for Al Gore in 2000.

Naughty CEO
Savvis Communications has placed its CEO on unpaid leave after his credit card company says he was two years late in paying $241,000 in charges at a Manhattan strip club. Savvis is considering replacing him with someone who has more respect for strip clubs and all they've done for big business.

McDonald's Movie
McDonald's has unveiled a short film on the Internet called "From Farm to Table," that gives web users a virtual tour of the chain's food-making process. The sequel is called "From Table to the Quadruple Bypass."

Broadway Boost
A number of Broadway shows are raising prices dramatically. Orchestra seats for "The Phantom of the Opera" are now $100, box seats for "The Producers" are now $110, and people wanting to see "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang," have to pay to fill the car's tank with premium unleaded before each performance.

Cheney's Proposal
Dick Cheney has proposed exempting CIA operatives from a law that would bar torturing prisoners in U.S. custody. CIA agents say they appreciate Cheney's help, but they would rather he just stop leaking their damn names to the press.

All Bruce
Sirius Satellite Radio is launching a new channel that will play all Bruce Springsteen music 24/7. But it's unclear how this new channel will compete with the 17 regular radio stations in New Jersey that have already been doing that for 20 years.

Minutemen Go North
The civilian volunteer group the Minutemen, who have been patrolling the US-Mexico border to stop illegal immigrants, have now started patrolling the U.S.-Canadian border. So far, they're having a hard time getting anything done because they keep getting trampled by desperate Americans rushing in to Canada to get affordable prescription drugs.

Newark PR
The Newark, New Jersey City Council has awarded the "Newark Weekly News" a $100,000 contract to publish positive news about the city. Its first story will be about how easy it is to get rich off the Newark City Council.