Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Dems Block Burris
Democrats say they will refuse to seat Roland Burris in the Senate because being appointed by Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich will put him under a cloud of suspicion. That's opposed to the 99 other U.S. Senators who we already KNOW are corrupt.

Detroit Murder Rate
Detroit is on pace to have its lowest number of homicides in more than 40 years. Looks like every traditional industry in Motown is way down this year.

Bacon Loses with Madoff
It turns out Kevin Bacon also lost big bucks in the Bernie Madoff scandal. On the bright side, this could mean Kevin Bacon is Jewish!

Reports say Kevin Bacon lost millions in the Bernie Madoff ponzi scheme. Of course, there's just something not kosher about Madoff taking money from a guy named "Bacon."

No Bailout Check Yet
GM and Chrysler were scheduled to receive the first installment of their bailout money on Monday, but they still haven't received it yet. The Treasury says it has the money, but the actual check had to be ordered from the factory.

Israel Says "No Deal"
France is condemning Israel for rejecting a cease fire deal with Hamas. Of course, France is also condemning Israel for rejection a cease to exist deal that it's had on the table since 1948.

Dell Changes
Dell Computer is shaking up its executive team. The president of global operations, is being replaced, the chief marketing officer is being replaced, but the most effective move will be when Dell replaces all their computers with Apples.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

GMAC is getting a $6 billion loan from the U.S. government. GMAC has 36 months to either pay off the loan, but it will probably trade it in for a bigger loan after about a year.

Hamas Angry
Hamas continues to strongly protest Israel's attacks on its strongholds in Gaza... mostly because the Israeli action is making it impossible for Hamas to carry out its mission of killing Palestinians who aren't members of Hamas.

Israel Criticized
Israel is being accused of committing war crimes in Gaza, but the Israelis insist all they did was force the Palestinians to invest with Bernie Madoff.

Bristol's a Mom
Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol has given birth to a baby boy... but liberal groups insist it's not too late for an abortion.

New American Cars
The bailed-out Detroit automakers are offering some new features. Now when you push the OnStar button in your GM car, you get an ambulance, a tow truck, and UAW lobbyist.

Teen Sex Pledge
A new study shows that more than half of the teens who take the "virginity pledge" end up breaking their promise. From now on, organizers will be giving each teen who takes the pledge a new Playstation 3.

MORE FUN WITH PICTURES!!! (Accurately captioning those staged pictures from Gaza)

"You know, I'm thinking Allah might actually be an Israeli."

"This foreclosure crisis is really hurting real estate values."

"Red light!... Green light!"

"Firing bullets in the air isn't exactly a real job, but it beats working!"

Monday, December 29, 2008

Mangini Out
The New York Jets have fired head coach Eric Mangini. After hearing that the Detroit Lions had just gone 0-16, Jets management just HAD to hire their head coach!

Israel Slams Hamas
Israel is continuing its air attack on Hamas targets in Gaza. The Israeli air force was lucky enough to use most of its bombs before they could be stolen by Bernie Madoff.

As the bombardment continues, Hamas militants are deliberately using civilian human shields. The Israelis are denouncing the practice, especially since none of the human shields is Jimmy Carter.

Media Depiction
The international news media is filled with pictures of wounded Palestinians cramming Gaza hospitals. It's proof once again that the biggest reason why so many Palestinians are dying is because their hospitals employ more photographers than doctors.

Times Wants Tax Hikes
The New York Times wants the U.S. government to raise the gas tax, which means the Times may actually become the first failing company that won't get a bailout.

FUN WITH CAPTIONS!!! (The REAL story behind those pictures from Gaza in the media)

"This Israeli attack is terrible... now we won't make it to my sister's honor killing!"

"Okay, the Gaza Walmart is not starting this doorbuster sale until after 5am... so stay in line everybody."

"Palestinian women react as they learn that the latest Hamas rocket attack didn't kill any Jews."

"We want peace! Give peace a chance! Death to the Jooz!, Oops, you got us!"

"Now I may never grow up to be a teenage suicide bomber."

"The REALLY bad news is that our fire insurance policy is with AIG!"

"He ain't heavy, he's my ticket on to al-Jazeera!"

"This is SO going to be my new profile pic on JDate!"

"Quick! We've got to get this body to the BBC camera shoot before prime time!!"

"Check out the crowd here at Dick Clark's rocking Gaza New Year's Eve!"

"What the Hell is up with Brett Favre?!?"

Friday, December 26, 2008

Blue Christmas
Retail sales fell 4% this holiday season. The store chains are blaming the weather and supply problems, but also... no one has any money!

Obama #1
A new poll shows President-elect Barack Obama is the most admired man in America, not because of his politics, but because he's the only guy in the country who still knows he has a job for the next four years.

Lotto Crash
State lottery sales are sharply down across the country this year... proving once again that as we get poorer, we get smarter.

Kitt Dies
Eartha Kitt dies yesterday at the age of 81. Her top achievements include her pop hit, "Santa Baby," playing Catwoman on "Batman," and dying on Christmas Day so her obit could lead the news for 12 hours straight.

Church and Sex
A new report shows that more Americans attend church than have sex... but that doesn't include the millions of Americans who go to church praying for sex.

Military Going Green
All branches of the U.S. military are being ordered to be more environmentally friendly. Luckily, the blood of terrorists is apparently an excellent non-toxic fertilizer.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Madoff Suicide
A French investment manager who put more than $1.5 billion of his firm's money in with Bernie Madoff has committed suicide. It's not clear if he killed himself because he lost the money or because his French bosses found out he was investing with a Jewish guy.

Walmart Settlement
Walmart has agreed to pay $640 million to settle 63 lawsuits over wage and hour violations. That's $140 million for employees who weren't paid for overtime, and $500 million for the employees who got trampled to death on Black Friday.

Obama "Innocent"
Barack Obama's transition team insists all its contacts with disgraced Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich were "innoncent." But Obama staffers do admit that after every phone call with Blagojevich, they did have to scrub the telephone receivers with sani-wipes.

Big Stimulus Plan
President-elect Obama and his team are preparing an $850 billion infrastructure stimulus plan. But most of the money will be spent on building new prisons to house the business leaders and politicians who are already plotting to steal and misappropriate that $850 billion.

Yanks Sign Teixeira
The New York Yankees have signed first baseman Mark Teixeira to a $180 million contract. With that kind of money, Teixeira's family will almost be able to afford tickets to Yankee Stadium!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Airport Hell
Millions of travellers are stranded in airports across the country because of snow storms. It's disturbing news for most Americans, except Jets fans who are hoping their team never comes home.

Coins Discovered
Israeli archaeologists have discovered 264 ancient gold coins buried in Jerusalem. But as soon as they were unearthed, Bernie Madoff came along and stole them.

Shoplifting Surge
Police across the country say shoplifting is on the rise. Adults are lifting electronics, kids are sneaking away with toys, and banks are walking away with $750 billion in taxpayer money.

New 'Vette
GM is almost finished with its 2009 Corvette. It goes from profitable to needing a massive bail out in 4.5 years.

Spade Donation
Actor-comedian David Spade is helping the cash-strapped Phoenix police department by donating 66 semi-automatic rifles for officers working Arizona streets. It's a nice gesture by Spade, but most of America is hoping the cops use at least one of the new guns on him.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Frosty Day in NYC
It's so cold today in New York that Bernie Madoff is just using his clients' money for kindling.

Gas Prices Fall
The good news is that gas prices are at a 5-year low. The bad news is that this means the oil companies will now ask for a $900 billion bailout.

Church Boundaries Falling
A new study shows that American worship services are more racially integrated than ever before... and that's just Oprah's studio audience.

The study shows most predominantly white churches have done the best job of integrating. Predominantly black churches would love to do the same, but white people just can't clap and pray at the same time.

White House Job Applicants
More than 330,000 Americans have applied for top jobs in the Obama administration... and that's just the people who got laid off by Citigroup last week.

Hannukah Begins
The 8-day Jewish festival of Hannukah began last night. Traditionally, Jews mark the holiday by lighting the Menorah, but Bernie Madoff stole all the candles.