Wednesday, March 31, 2010

New Crate and Barrel
Crate and Barrel has just opened its first store in Abu Dhabi. This is great news for all Arab women who want to register for their honor killings.

Surge for Toyota
Toyota's U.S. sales were up 40% last month... mostly thanks to trial lawyers who were buying up evidence.

Newark No Murders
The city of Newark, New Jersey just finished its first murder-free month in 44 years. The economy is so bad, even the killers are out of work.

iPad Raves
The iPad is getting across-the-board rave reviews from techies. They're gushing about the new features, graphics, and there's even a rumor that it might get some of them a date with a real girl.

Government Layoffs
A new report says the government actually laid off more workers than the private sector last month. The only trouble is, no one can tell the difference between a laid off government worker and one that's supposedly still on the job.

Dimon vs. Obama
JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon is complaining that President Obama is demonizing the bankers. Dimon is so mad, that he's planning on not including a lollipop the next time he sends Obama a $500,000 campaign donation.

April 1st

1949: The Canadian government stops interning Japanese-Canadians because of civil rights concerns and after learning that some Japanese make decent speed skaters.

1976: Apple Computer is formed by Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak. 1,500 geeks immediatley line up around the corner from their house in hopes of being the first to buy something.

2002: The Netherlands legalizes euthanasia, in a tacit admission that nothing is worse than having to live in the Netherlands.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

More Lost Jobs
The private sector lost another 23,000 jobs in March. The Obama administration is responding by asking: "what's the private sector?"

Student Loan Changes
The Democrats new student loan program changes cut out the banks as middlemen, and will eliminate many bank loan offices. So after all these kids graduate, there won't be any place where they can get a job.

James in Rehab
Sandra Bullock's husband Jesse James has checked into rehab... it's not clear if it's for sex addiction or tattoo addiction.

Boeing's Charge
Boeing now says the new health care law will cost it $150 million this quarter alone. Apparently, the government is now going to charge Boeing $5 for everyone who gets airsick on one of their planes.

Militia Arrests
The Obama administration says it decided to have the FBI arrest members of the Hutaree militia group in Michigan upon learning they were planning to kill police officers... and build homes for Jews in Jerusalem.

March 31st

1942: Japanese forces invade Christmas Island in a brazen attempt to capture Santa Claus.

2007: In Sydney, Australia, 2.2 million people take part in the first Earth Hour. Everyone else in Australia keeps using power and actually gets some work done.

2008: Aloha Airlines, a bankrupt airline, permanently ends passenger service. Service for pets and drunk pilots continues for another 8 months.

March 30th

1296: Edward I sacks the city of Berwick-upon-Tweed, setting up a 3rd and long.

1842: Anesthesia is used for the first time in an operation by Dr. Crawford Long eventually putting the guys out of business who made the pieces of wood to bite down on during surgery.

1858: Pessimism pays off as Hymen Lipman patents a pencil with an attached eraser.

March 29th

1461: Edward of York defeats Queen Margaret to become King Edward IV of England. From then on, he only fights girls.

1799: New York passes a law aimed at gradually abolishing slavery in the state. Freedom has now been granted to everyone except people who drive on the Van Wyck.

1987: WrestleMania III sets a world indoor attendance record at the Pontiac Silverdome with 93,173 fans... and 20,000 teeth.

2004: Ireland becomes the first country in the world to ban smoking in all work places. Drinking in all Irish work places is still allowed.

March 28th

193: Roman Emperor Pertinax is assassinated by Praetorian Guards, who then sell the throne in an auction to Didius Julianus. Just like in the 2008 U.S. presidential elections, the second highest bidder got to be Secretary of State.

1930: Constantinople and Angora change their names to Istanbul and Ankara... mostly in an effort to give their creditors the slip.

2006: At least 1 million union members, students and unemployed take to the streets in France to protest the government's new rules on work hours, benefits, and mandatory bathing.

March 27th

1938: The Battle of Taierzhuang takes place. The first army that could successfully pronounce "Taierzhuang" was declared the winner.

1976: The Washington Metro subway system opens. Since then, Federal employees have been able to get to their offices faster... and then do nothing.

1998: The Food and Drug Administration approves Viagra for use as a treatment for male impotence, and to help fill email inboxes

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Cheating on Bullock
The list of women claiming affairs with Sandra Bullock's husband Jesse James continues to grow. It must come as a shock to Bullock that a guy with 100 tattoos and used to be married to a porn star turned out to be a scumbag.

Health Care Exemption
It turns out Members of Congress gave themselves an exemption and won't have to join the insurance exchanges mandated by the new health care law. In fact, their health insurance is so good, the Tea Partiers have decided it's no longer any fun to threaten to put them in the hospital.

Public vs. Private Pay
Government workers are now averaging 45% more per year in salaries than private workers. This is why you can't ever find someone working at the post office, they're all too busy going to the bank.

New Mortgage "Relief"
A new housing plan from the Obama administration will cut payments for the unemployed and those 'underwater' on their mortgages. And for the Americans who were smart enough not to buy a house they couldn't afford... they get to have their tax money used to bail those people out along with the folks not smart enough to buy health insurance.

KSM Warning
On a new audio tape, Osama bin Laden warns that he will kill Americans if Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is executed... he'll kill all the Americans who haven't killed each other over the health care bill that is.

March 26th

1953: Jonas Salk announces his polio vaccine. He is retroactively sued for causing autism by nude model Jenny McCarthy.

1976: Queen Elizabeth II sends out the first email... she immediately receives dozens of responses offering her discount Viagra.

1979: Anwar al-Sadat, Menachem Begin and Jimmy Carter sign the Israel-Egypt Peace Treaty in Washington, D.C. For Jews, this is seen as a lasting peace. For Arabs, this is considered a 15 minute timeout before getting back to killing Jews.

1999: The "Melissa worm" infects Microsoft word processing and e-mail systems around the world... meaning those programs crash slightly more often than they usually do.

1999: A jury in Michigan finds Dr. Jack Kevorkian guilty of second-degree murder for administering a lethal injection to a terminally ill man and three fans of the Detroit Lions.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Campbell is 40
Today is Naomi Campbell's lavish 40th birthday party. Instead of pinatas, guests will be encouraged to use their cell phones to smash Campbell's maids and chaffeurs.

Gooden DUI
Dwight Gooden has been arrested for drunk driving with a child in the car. The kid was actually getting a ride from Gooden so he could sell drugs to Darryl Strawberry.

Prison Smoking Bans
25 states now ban smoking in prison. Inmates say not having cigarettes really makes it hard to cool off after raping each other.

Pot Vote
Voters in California will decide in Novemebr whether to legalize and tax marijuana sales in the state. Just to make sure all the voters are represented, some polling places will be moved from schools to several Taco Bell locations across the state.

China Surgery
A 6-year-old boy from China, who was born with 5 extra fingers and 6 extra toes, has undergone an operation to remove his extra digits. The surgery was arranged after the boy's classmates complained that he had an unfair advantage in math class.

March 25th

1584: Sir Walter Raleigh is granted a patent to colonize Virginia... and make cigarette ads targeting teenagers.

1634: The first settlers arrive in Maryland. So that's 376 years and all they've got to show for themselves are crabcakes.

1655: Saturn's largest moon, Titan, is discovered by Christian Huygens. Later he realizes he was just the victimm of a crude fraternity prank.

1918: The Belarusian People's Republic is established... in Brooklyn.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Cold Case Arrest
Police have arrested two suspects in connection with the alleged murders of five New Jersey teenagers in 1978. Now the only fugitives still at large from 1978 are the criminals who created "Dance Fever."

Security Suggestion
President Obama's nominee to head the Transportation Security Administration wants the U.S. to copy the Israeli security model... not only because that's the best way to keep America safe, but also because that will really piss off Hillary Clinton.

Health Insurance Kids
The new health care law allows young adults to stay on their parents' insurance plans until they're 26 years old. And they're going to need that insurance, because unemployed 26-year-olds living at home are 77% more likely to get their asses kicked regularly by their parents.

Google vs. China
China continues to block Google's free access search engine. This is making it much harder for American businesses to find the poisonous toys and pet food they desperately need.

French Get Smart
France is abandoning its plan to tax carbon emmissions, the Obama administration is still pushing for the idea here in the U.S. You know we're in trouble when the French are more business savvy than Americans.

March 24th

1765: Great Britain passes the Quartering Act requiring the 13 Colonies to house British troops. Luckily they were British, so at least they didn't require toothbrushes.

1832: In Hiram, Ohio a group of men beat, tar and feather Mormon leader Joseph Smith, Jr. The men go on to write the pilot script for Big Love.

1936: The longest game in NHL history, going six overtimes, is played between Detroit and Montreal. By the end of the game the two teams had three teeth between them.

2003: The Arab League votes 21-1 in favor of a resolution demanding the immediate and unconditional removal of U.S. and British soldiers from Iraq. The one "nay" vote came from the Kuwaiti Bowling Team that really needed another ringer for Thursday nights.

Health Care Bill Signing
President Obama will sign the health care reform bill into law today. There's no truth to the rumor that the ink in his pen will be replaced with Bart Stupak's blood.

Crime Scene Verdict
A judge has found a Nebraska chief crime-scene investigator guilty of tampering with evidence... it turns out he was saving all the grossest body parts and selling them to the producers of "CSI."

Dirty Water
The U.N. says filthy water around the war kills more people than wars. Attorney General Eric Holder has immediately responded by promising to give the water defense lawyers and try it in federal criminal courts.

Toyota Stays Strong
Despite all the dangers and the bad publicity, Toyota stock is soaring and so are Toyota sales. This is the same reason why President Obama expects to be re-elected.

Google and China
Google has split with the Chinese government and decided to stop censoring information on its Chinese search engine. China plans to ban Google as soon as it can finish pirating all its software.

March 23rd

1801: Tsar Paul I of Russia is struck with a sword, then strangled, and finally trampled to death in his bedroom at St. Michael's Castle... and that was just for hogging the blankets.

1868: The University of California is founded in Oakland, California when the Organic Act is signed into law. Since then, students the University of California have been devoted to smoking everything organic they can get their hands on.

1956: Pakistan becomes the first Islamic republic in the world... making it the first country where people actually vote to blow themselves up for no good reason.

Friday, March 19, 2010

IRS & Health Care
The government will have to hire about 70,000 new IRS agents to enforce the new provisions of the health care bill. That's 100 agents to collect the new taxes, and 69,900 of them to process the estate taxes of all the new Americans who will be dying every year.

Bloody Night
219 people committed suicide just after 10pm Sunday night... but since they were all Members of Congress nobody cares.

Depressed America
It's not clear this morning who's more upset, opponents of the health care reform bill, or people who had Kansas in their March Madness pool.

Woods Interview
Tiger Woods gave his first interview since his personal sex scandal broke last year. He said he was tired of living a lie, especially since he's not working for Congres or an insurance company.

March 22nd

1621: The Pilgrims of Plymouth Colony sign a peace treaty with Massasoit of the Wampanoags. The treaty ensures the Native Americans will leave the Pilgrims alone during all future Thanksgiving Day football games.

1933: President Franklin Delano Roosevelt signs into law a bill legalizing the sale of beer and wine. Congress hasn't really seen the need to pass another bill since.

1945: The Arab League is founded in Cairo. The first suicide bomber draft is held two days later.

March 21st

1556: In Oxford, Archbishop of Canterbury Thomas Cranmer is burned at the stake... which really put a damper on the neighbors' barbeque.

1788: A fire in New Orleans leaves most of the town in ruins. Curiously, no one blames it on racism or George Washington.

1933: Construction of Dachau, the first Nazi Germany concentration camp, is completed. This remains the only kind of Jewish housing the UN, or Vice President Joe Biden approves of.

March 20th

1616: Sir Walter Raleigh is freed from the Tower of London after 13 years of imprisonment. After all that time in prison, it's no wonder he went in to the cigarette business.

1916: Albert Einstein publishes his general theory of relativity. It gets rave reviews from the one person on Earth smart enough to understand it - Albert Einstein.

2003: The U.S. and three other countries invade Iraq. Hollywood immediately starts filming the first crappy Iraq war movie.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Toyota and the Cubbies
Toyota is close to making a major sponsorship deal with the Chicago Cubs... because when you think about crashing and buring, you think about Toyota and the Cubs.

Health Care & Stocks
Part of the Democrats' health care reform bill relies on new taxes on stock investments to pay for it all. So the next time the stock market crashes, not only will you have a heart attack, but there won't be any money available for your bypass surgery.

Alley on Scientology
Kirstie Alley says Scientology helps her with her weight... you know, like Catholicism helps people with their guilt.

Student Loan Overhaul
Democrats want the federal government to get more control over the student loan program. And they plan to do that by forcing college students to fill out a 1040 before buying subsidized beer.

HPV Vaccine Study
A new study shows that the cervical cancer vaccine is not getting to many of the girls who need it the most... skanks.

March 19th

1687: Explorer Robert Cavelier de La Salle, searching for the mouth of the Mississippi River, is murdered by his own men... for refusing to ask for directions at 15 consecutive gas stations.

1978: UN Security Council Resolution 425 is passed, calling upon Israel to immediately withdraw its forces from all Lebanese territory so the Muslims can go back to killing everybody.

1979: The House of Representatives begins broadcasting on C-SPAN, forcing all Members of Congress to start showering after visiting their favorite hookers.