Friday, April 30, 2004

Iraqi Polls
Several new polls show the Iraqi people are growing to dislike the American occupation more and more. Iraqis tell some pollsters they're not happy with the rise in crime, they tell other pollsters they hate the continued power outages, but the Iraqis say they thing they really hate about the new Iraq is all the damn pollsters.

No Reagan U.
Nancy Reagan is vetoing plans for a new University in Colorado that organizers wanted to name "Ronald Reagan University." Mrs. Reagan says she couldn't support any school without a Department of Astrology.

Car Testing Device
A new device has been developed that can show how well a driver performs at high speeds, hard braking, hard acceleration, and parking. It's called "the front bumper."

Thursday, April 29, 2004

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday! Here's the link: Newsday

9/11 Hearing
President Bush and Vice President Cheney will face questions from the 9/11 Commission today in a closed hearing. But even though they won't be under oath and the public won't even get to see a transcript, Bush and Cheney still promise to keep lying about everything anyway.

Ski Lodge Guns
The Army is demanding the return of five howitzers it lent to two Nevada ski resorts to prevent avalanches, because it needs the weapons in Iraq and Afghanistan. But the NRA is warning that if the government disarms all the good ski resorts, only the outlaw ski resorts will have guns.

US Troops in Iraq
The Bush administration now says that even after it turns over political control to the Iraqis on June 30, the U.S. will retain military control so the Iraqi people stay in line. By the same reasoning, the White House will be sending national guard troops to Florida on election day.

Khadafy Returns
Libyan leader Moammar Khadafy visited Europe this week for the first time in 15 years. Khadafy was forced to notice shocking changes on the continent like the economic improvements created by the E.U., the rising number of Arabs living there, and the fact that the "Pet Shop Boys" are no longer hot at all.

Wednesday, April 28, 2004

Jacko Firing
Michael Jackson fired defense lawyers Mark Geragos and Benjamin Brafman because he says they didn't give his case enough personal attention. Geragos and Brafman say while they were willing to meet with Jackson night and day to work on the case, they couldn't help but decline when Jackson kept asking them to sleep over.

Mama Hilton
Paris Hilton's mother Kathy will star in her own reality series for NBC called “The Good Life.” But TV experts say Mrs. Hilton was a better fit for the upcoming MTV series, "Pimp my Daughter."

Clinton Book
Bill Clinton’s long-awaited memoirs will be published in June with an initial printing of 1.5 million copies, which beats out Hillary Clinton’s first printing of 1 million books. But that's because half the pages of Bill's books will be stuck together.

Yellow Submarine for Kids
The Beatles’ cartoon "Yellow Submarine" is being adapted into a children’s book. It will be called: "Mommy and Daddy Used to Get Stoned."

Cheney Throws Away Deferment Letters in Angry Protest

"They Wouldn't Send me Just Because I Begged Them Not To!" Vice President Claims

(Washington, DC) A defiant Vice President Dick Cheney, who avoided military service in Vietnam with five separate student deferments from 1959-1969, threw away his deferment letters today in a pro-Vietnam War protest organized by several Bush Administration officials who never actually fought in the war.

"This is more than just a symbolic gesture," shouted Cheney over a bullhorn on the White House lawn, "this is our way of saying we reject the failed policies of the Eisenhower, Kennedy, Johnson, and Nixon administrations who all saw fit to listen to petty excuses and not send people like us to defend our country 40 years ago. We were able to fight, our country needed us, and just because we weren't willing and had the money to cheat the system was no reason not to make us go!" he added.

The Bush campaign is eyeing the event as a major coup in its attempts to win over swing voters.

"This is in stark contrast to the Democrats like John Kerry, who while they actually fought and were wounded in the war, saw fit to question their government a few years later," said Bush adviser Karen Hughes.

A closer look at newspaper and TV footage of the protest shows that Cheney actually only threw the empty envelopes that once contained the deferment letters. When asked to clarify that, the Vice President offered a charged response.

"Look, I was proud to get those deferments, I fought for them. And while I supported the war they got me out of, I still wasn't going to destroy all the vestiges of my lack of service," he said. "Besides, the way things are going in Iraq, I may need them again pretty soon," Cheney added.
President Bush insists he also attended the protest, but so far no one has come forward to say they actually saw him there.

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

Hillary Abortion Rights
At last weekend's rally for abortion-rights, Senator Hillary Clinton said the Bush administration was filled with people who consider Roe v. Wade the worst abomination in our history. But the Bush Administration quickly denied that, reminding everyone that it actually believes Hillary Clinton is the worst abomination in our history.

Estee Lauder Dies
Cosmetics queen Estee Lauder died last weekend at the age of 97. But thanks to her age-reducing make-up she doesn't look like she's been dead for more than 2 days.

Kerry Medal Flap
Republicans are attacking John Kerry for throwing away his Vietnam War combat medals at an anti-war protest. But the Kerry campaign is insisting he wasn't throwing them away, he was throwing them at Jane Fonda's head.

Gas Station Robbers
Two men who robbed a gas station in Connecticut waited on customers during the stick-up so motorists would not be suspicious. But the customers immediately knew something was wrong because it was the first time someone at the station actually spoke to them in English.

Monday, April 26, 2004

Billy Joel Crash
Singer Billy Joel lost control of his car and slammed it into a house on Long Island this weekend. But after searching Joel, police found no evidence of drugs, alcohol, or any remaining talent.

Red Sox Win
The Boston Red Sox sweep of the New York Yankees this weekend is sending shock waves across the Major Leagues. The consensus is that it's finally time for Yankees owner George Steinbrenner to spend some money on his team.

Top Yankee Excuses

-Mailman mixed up their steroid shipments with the Mets again

-Fun to see Red Sox fans get their hopes up again

-New umpires haven't received the annual "let the Yankees win" memo yet

-Looking for jury sympathy in upcoming paternity suits

-Jeter and A-Rod jealous and distracted by the fact that Red Sox players can legally marry in Massachusetts

Friday, April 23, 2004

Congressional Succession
Congress is considering a bill that deals with how the government would continue to function if hundreds of elected officials were killed in a terrorist attack. But political experts say they only way Congress wouldn't be able to function is if hundreds of lobbyists were killed.

American Idol Voting
After the three most talented singers were voted off of "American Idol" this week, many fans are blaming racism, ignorance, and voting malfunctions for the results. But experts say those are actually the reasons why we screw up our presidential elections.

Pentagon Steamed
The Pentagon is angry that two journalists broke a ban on photographing flag-draped coffins of American soldiers returning from Iraq. The Defense Department isn't upset about the potential loss of morale, it's just that all the flags were made in India.

Thursday, April 22, 2004

Bush's Earth Day
President Bush is marking Earth Day by touting his administration's pro-environmental work. Top Bush policies:

-Reducing personal income taxes for spotted owls by 15%

-Bankrupting dozens of energy companies to cut down on pollution

-Replacing dangerous nuclear power plants with less-harmful "nuke-u-lahr" power plants

-Granting Vice President Cheney blanket immunity so hunting trips with Scalia will no longer be necessary

-Helping millions of unemployed Americans cut back on driving to work

Jackson Charged
Michael Jackson was finally charged by a grand jury yesterday on several child molestation charges. But the actual trial won't begin until the court can find a jury of Jackson's peers... which won't happen until the Mars rover returns to Earth.

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

Doctors and Fat
A new study shows that most physicians don't tell their obese patients to lose weight. But, as they do with all other medical decisions, the doctors promise to change all that as soon as the insurance companies tell them to.

Jermaine's Visit
Michael Jackson's brother Jermaine, a convert to Islam, is touring several Muslim countries to promote understanding between Arabs and Americans. Top questions Jermaine is being asked:

-We'll get to the whole U.S. support for Israel in a second, but first things first... what is up with your brother's face?

-When do you expect to execute your sister for exposing herself in public?

-Why haven't you blamed your failing music career on the Jews?

-Did you know Osama and Michael have been dating some of the same boys for years?

-Can we agree that your last album was the real "suicide bomb?"

Arab Women
U.S. diplomats continue to push Arab countries to grant their women the same rights women enjoy in the United States. That means if the move is successful, Muslim women can soon expect to be paid 25% less for working the same jobs as men.

Canadian Released
Iraqi insurgents have released a 33-year old man from Montreal after holding him for 10 days. The kidnappers apparently were complying with the Geneva Convention's rules against keeping Canadians from watching the hockey playoffs.

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

NRA Radio
The National Rifle Association has started its own radio station with daily broadcasts. After years of helping its members get and keep guns, now the NRA can finally tell them who to shoot.

Rantisi Killed
Thousands of Palestinians protested Israel's killing of Hamas leader Dr. Abdel Aziz Rantisi. Not because he was a revered terrorist leader, but because his death means co-payments at the Gaza health clinic will be raised to $15 a pop.

Medical Tests
According to doctors in California conservatives and liberals show different levels of brain activity when viewing political TV ads. But the scientific community is rejecting to the study, because it begins with the ridiculous assumption that conservatives and liberals actually have brains.

Sunday, April 18, 2004

Courtney Love Case
A California judge has ordered Courtney Love to stand trial on two drug possession charges. Love's attorneys say their client will have no trouble handling the trial, it's the standing part they're not so sure about.

Top things overheard at the Bush/Blair Summit

-"Of course your Pound is more valuable than our dollar, it's heavier isn't it?"

-"Sorry we can't use the ranch this weekend... Cheney and Scalia are using it for another one of their 'hunting' trips'... know what I mean?"

-What's up with that Omarosa?

-"Okay, you do all my press conferences for me from now on, and I'll let you use my dentist."

-"You still got that number for the UN?... I lost it again."

Thursday, April 15, 2004

NEWSDAY ALERT!!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in Newsday today with a nice illustration to go along with my joke! Here's the link: Newsday

April 15th
Americans are reluctantly forking over thousands of dollars today, not because they want to, but because the alternative is just too horrible to think about... but enough about the Bush campaign fundraisers.

Osama Offer
In a new audio tape, Osama bin Laden is offering to halt all terrorist attacks against Europeans if they pull out of Iraq and other Muslim countries. Top reasons he's making the offer to cut back:

-Been looking to turn over a new leaf since seeing "The Passion" last weekend

-Doesn't want tonight's finale of "The Apprentice" to get pre-empted for anything

-Needs to downsize his terrorist payroll to meet '04 earnings projections

-Totally impressed by how Europeans hate Jews even more than he does

-Finally realized no one really cares when Europeans get killed

Chirac Response
French President Jacques Chirac is rejecting bin Laden's offer saying, "There can be no possible bargaining with terrorists." Chirac's staffers quickly came out with a clarification insisting their government still thinks the Israelis should give terrorists everything they want.

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

Kennedy Prayer
A Roman Catholic Priest is in hot water for opening the Colorado State Legislature's session yesterday with a prayer asking God to make lawmakers: "be the antithesis of John Kennedy and let their faith influence and guide them." Despite the controversy, each and every one of the politicians solemnly joined in the anti-Kennedy prayer and asked God not to let them get shot.

The new Ewan McGregor film "Young Adam" has been slapped with the dreaded "NC-17" rating. That means the film must have excessive nudity, foul language, and criticizes the Bush administration's policies in Iraq.

Not Vietnam
President Bush is angrily disagreeing with any comparison of the current war in Iraq with Vietnam. But that's mostly because
he hasn't heard any Doors songs on the radio in like two years.

Bush Confident
In last night's news conference, President Bush said he expects to "keep his job" after November. Top reasons Bush thinks he'll win re-election:

-Thinks he's running against Osama bin Laden

-Still hasn't seen his weak poll numbers; staffers keep putting them in PDB memos

-New negative ad uses excellent doctored photo of Kerry acting as a bridesmaid at Gay marriage

-New campaign promise: No More Press Conferences

-Hey, he didn't get the most votes last time and he beat the other guy... how hard can it be to win this thing anyway?

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

Bonds 660
As Barry Bonds crossed the plate after hitting his 660th home run Monday night, he made his usual gesture of pointing both fingers to the heavens. Experts say that's Bonds' signal to his trainer to increase his steroid dosage.

Enron Arrest
Former Enron Chairman Jeff Skilling was picked up by New York City cops this weekend after allegedly exhibiting drunken and erratic behavior at several upscale Manhattan bars and restaurants. Top reasons for his behavior:

-Embarrassed that Manhattan bartenders overcharge more for drinks than Enron did for power in California

-Angry that he arrived in New York too early to bribe delegates to the Republican National Convention

-Bought full-price "Producers" tickets, then found out Matthew Broderick and Nathan Lane have left the show

-100 million bucks worth of stolen shareholder money and he STILL can't get a decent 3-bedroom on Park Avenue!

-Saw "Passion of the Christ" in Houston... came up to New York to "get some payback"

Retail Sales Higher
U.S. retail sales soared last month as it appears consumers used tax refund checks to increase spending. But experts say it's really because most Americans are stocking up on essentials so they won't have to leave their homes until the presidential election is over.

Mickelson Wins
After perenially coming in second to Tiger Woods, golfer Phil Mickelson
finally won a major tournament with his win at the Masters Sunday. The
victory is providing hope for many others; the Red Sox may finally
overtake the Yankees in October, Pepsi might finally outsell Coke this year, and the Bush campaign finally might get more votes than the other guys this time!

Roulette Spin
A man walked away from a Las Vegas casino this weekend with $270,000
after betting all his possessions, including his clothes, on one spin of
the roulette wheel. Now he's going to take an even bigger gamble by
voting for John Kerry in November.

Friday, April 09, 2004

The Alamo
"The Alamo" was released yesterday, it's the tenth film to depict the killing of 800 Texans at the doomed fort. But box office experts say this version will be the most successsful because it blames the massacre on the Jews.

Jews in Libya?
The son of Libyan leader Moammar Khadafy is inviting Jews who were kicked out of his country in 1967 to come back. Experts say the best way to get Jews to live in Libya is tout the very hot climate and lack of any real cultural attractions; that way at least half of them will think it's Florida.

Carson Daly Award
At the upcoming TRL Awards, Carson Daly will be given a life-time achievement award. Now TV and Music fans are all hoping he'll die.

Rice Testimony Reaction
Condoleezza Rice's testimony before the 9/11 commission left many people with more questions than answers. Americans aren't sure why more wasn't done, the British want to know why they weren't informed, and Arabs don't understand why Rice didn't just blame the Jews and move on.

Thursday, April 08, 2004

DC School Book
Educators in Washington, DC are in hot water for using a picture of a gun to represent the letter "G" in a first-grade coloring book. The kids kept refusing to color the page unless they got something with a little more firepower.

Video Surgeons
A new study shows that surgeons who play video games performed difficult techniques 40% better than their colleagues who didn't play the games. But neither group was able to do ANYTHING well with their hands after filling out all the day's required insurance forms.

Iraq Off-Guard
White House insiders say the Bush administration is caught off-guard by the escalating violence in Iraq, and may need to send 25,000 more troops to the region, 50,000 more tons of supplies to the friendly militias, and five more negative ads about John Kerry to the TV networks.

Special stuff today!!! A short play and a longer-form article!!

Announcer: And now, let's play America's newest and funniest game show...

Dick Clarke's $25,000 Terrorism Pyramid! (by Jake Novak)

Announcer: And here's your host, former White House Counterterrorism Chief, Dick Clarke!


Clarke: Okay, we have a very special contestant on the show today, someone we all want to see face the challenge of the pyramid... Let's welcome National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice! Condi, are you ready to play the "Pyramid?"

Condi: Well, I just want to remind the American people that there is no precedent for a sitting National Security Adviser to go on a game show, but I could use that 25 grand for some dental work... so let's play!


Clarke: Okay, super. Now let's meet your partner who will be feeding you the clues you'll need to climb the pyramid today. Everyone, please welcome Bush campaign coordinator Karl Rove!


Clarke: Karl, I'm glad you've decided to come out and speak for yourself today. Are you nervous?

Karl: A little, I mean we couldn't get Jeb Bush on the judges table and this show isn't being broadcast on FOX News Channel, so this is a little more risk than I like to take. But what the Hell?


Clarke: Okay, Karl and Condi, you know the rules; you need to get 6 topics right in under one minute to get the big prize. So let's play the game! Start the clock...


Karl: Border checks, flight school investigations, warnings to local police...

Condi: Things we should have done before 9/11!


Clarke: That's right! One down, with 52 seconds to go!

Karl: Iraq, Russia, China, Cuba

Condi: Countries we were too obsessed with to do a decent job stopping 9/11!


Clarke: Whoa! you're on a roll! Four to go and 45 seconds!

Karl: Bill Clinton, Iraq...

Condi: Things we blame for 9/11!


Clarke: Halfway there! 40 seconds!

Karl: Book deal, 60 Minutes spot, paid speaker's fees...

Condi: Things you get for blaming fellow Americans for 9/11!


Clarke: Whoa! That's hitting close to home for both of us... but you just need two more! 32 seconds!

Karl: 3 million job losses, Enron, WorldCom, CIA leaks, budget deficit

Condi: Things we gloss over with lots of terrorism warnings!


Clarke: This is unbelievable! Just one more to go with an incredible 25 seconds left!

Karl: UN partnership, long-term planning, admitting you've made mistakes

Condi: Umm...

Karl: Working with local leaders, getting European help, avoiding arbitrary deadlines

Condi: Oh God, I'm blanking!

Clarke: 12 seconds left.

Karl: (desperate) Fighting our real enemies, not leaking names of CIA agents, getting Israel's advice, not joking about missing WMD's!!

Condi: I'm sorry, what?

Clarke: 5 seconds!

Karl: (most desperate) real leadership, stop ignoring Saudi Arabia, tell the American people they will have to sacrifice!!


Clarke: Oh! I thought you were going to get it there! So sorry, you had so much time too! What if I said, "grandstanding, negative ads against John Kerry, bombing Iraq at every opportunity."

Condi: OH! "Things to do to really fight terrorism?"

Clarke: That's right, you got it now... but it's too late.


Condi: I guess I got mixed up. That stuff Karl said at the end sounded really strange for awhile. Karl... Where's Karl?

Clarke: Oh, he's off to help arrange some polling problems in Florida and Ohio... he said he's already late.


Clarke: So Condi, you don't get the $25,000, but you do get to keep your well-paid government job, and you'll still be on the cover of every magazine in the country this week, PLUS there will be some nifty parting gifts for you when you leave the administration in January. Probably a cushy University Presidency or better yet, a chair at one of those "think tanks" in Washington!


Condi: That sure sounds good

Clarke: You bet it does, and don't forget to call my book publisher on your way out. There giving me a little commission if you sign up!


Condi: Okay, thanks Dick!

Clarke: No problem. Be sure to tune in to the Pyramid tomorrow when our next contestant will be French President Jacques Chirac... And we're just months away from my favorite special show: "Dick Clarke's Rockin' Terror Alert-Marred New Year's Eve!" See ya!


Al Qaeda Plotting to Unleash New Round of Hearings on Capitol Hill

American Public Already at Breaking Point, say experts

(Washington) Seizing on an obvious new form of terror attack, al Qaeda leaders are now reportedly planning to schedule dozens more 9/11 commission hearings on Capitol Hill.

"We will alternatively bore and embarrass the American people with at least two more weeks worth of hearings filled with political mud-slinging, phony apologies, and 'cover your ass' waffling," said Ayman al Zawahiri on an audio tape broadcast on al Jazeera TV last night.

Counterterrorism experts say both the Homeland Security Department and the average American citizen are ill-prepared for more blustering from Washington.

"The terrorists may not live in open societies, but they know that democracies are very good at creating stifling bureaucracies and long-winded speeches from politicians, they're trying to tap into this weakness, exploit it, and crate havoc with it," said terrorist expert Peter Probst.
Leading Arab journalists agreed with Probst's analysis.
"Why do the Americans subject themselves to so much further abuse every time something bad happens to them?" asked Egyptian writer Fahmi Wuheidi, "why don't they just blame Israel and Jews like we do for everything from crime to bad weather and just move on?" he added.
Word of the alert sent shock waves threw American homes last night as citizens braced themselves for the worst.
"I've already missed way too much of 'Live! with Regis and Kelly' than I want to think about," said Freida Nussbaum of Massapequa Park, NY, "if they keep pre-empting my favorite TV shows for these hearings I think I may never tune in again," she added.
The Bush Administration and leading Democrats in Washington are at odds about what to do about this latest threat. White House spokesman Scott McClellan says the President is setting up a new advisory panel to prepare a report for him to review, while Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle is calling for a bi-partisan committee of Senators to hold hearings on the matter sometime this summer.

Wednesday, April 07, 2004

Prostate Health
A new study shows men who frequently ejaculate have a better chance to avoid prostate cancer. Sadly, this news comes five years too late for the Clinton legal defense team.

Brazil Nukes?
Brazil is refusing to allow UN nuclear inspectors to examine and photograph a uranium enriching facility near Rio de Janeiro... not because the country is trying to hide weapons, it's just that most Brazilians come to work naked.

Book Ban Eased
The federal government is ending a ban on publishing books from nations under U.S. trade embargoes like Iran and Cuba. That means Americans can soon look forward to reading award-winning foreign books like "Showering for Dummies," and "How to Make Your Own Toilet Paper."

Dingell Campaign
Representative John Dingell from Michigan is seeking to remain the longest-serving member of the House of Representatives and has filed papers to run for a 26th term. He vows to remain in office until everyone stops snickering when he says, "Hi, I'm Mister Dingell"

What If?...
The USA cable network is producing a TV movie which will examine what America would be like had the South won the Civil War. Actually, that show is already on every day on C-Span.

Rice Testimony
President Bush says he's happy Condoleezza Rice will testify before the 9/11 Commission because Rice “knows exactly what took place and will lay out the facts.” ... maybe later, she'll even explain it to him.

Dylan's Secret
Bob Dylan is now appearing in a new series of TV commercials for Victoria’s Secret. The decision actually comes from the company's product testing unit... If viewers are still turned on by the models even after seeing what Bob Dylan looks like these days, then the lingerie really is hot!

Arafat In Danger
Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon is revoking his pledge not to harm Yasser Arafat saying that the Palestinian leader could be a target for assassination. The move came just hours after Arafat cut in front on Sharon at the Saturday afternoon buffet line at the King David Hotel.

Women at Work
A new study has found that most victims of workplace bullying are women who are actually being abused by their female bosses. But those statistics are sure to change now that Martha Stewart no longer runs her company.

Lotto Delay
A Canadian man waited until last week to claim the $30 million lottery jackpot he won last year. The man has been spending the last year pissing off as many people as possible, just so he could really enjoy it when they find out he just won $30 million.

Tuesday's News

Ikea Denial
Ikea is denying reports that company founder Ingvar Kamprad is now the world's richest man. But journalists are having trouble confirming the denial since no one can figure out the company's directions to the bank.

Best Airlines
A new study shows the lowest-fare airlines are also the best at providing passenger service. But that's mostly because Russell Crowe and Rosie O'Donnell have never flown on Jet Blue.

Monday, April 05, 2004

Bush Job Training Plan
President Bush is asking Congress to approve a new job training program to help put the unemployed back to work. But experts say the President could do a lot more to help people with no real job skills by showing them how he ran for office.

Four Questions
Passover begins tonight with the special meal called the Seder where children ask four questions about the holiday. But here are four more contemporary questions for kids to ask tonight:

1) Why can't that very rich man on TV afford a decent hair cut?

2) How come President Bush never talks when Dick Cheney is drinking a glass of water?

3) Does UConn have any majors other than basketball?

4) Grandma, how come all the other Tyco jurors hate you so much?

Homeland Security Department Issues Post-"Friends" Alert
Former Cast Members Post Severe Danger to Public, say Experts

(Washington) Hoping to establish a better record for informing the public of specific terror threats, the Department of Homeland Security is warning the American public of the unique dangers it will face once the popular sit-com "Friends" ends it run next month.
"All Americans should realize that the six current cast members will each pose serious dangers once the show is over and they're on their own," said Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge, "we're asking everyone to be vigilant."
Hollywood experts are applauding the Department's early-warning decision noting the fact that each cast member already has a proved track record of mayhem when not working on the "Friends" set.
"The nation has already endured all of Jennifer Aniston's bad movies as it is," said film critic Richard Roeper, "imagine just how bad it'll get now that she won't have the hectic TV shooting schedule to juggle... her features may even double! It's too terrible to even think about," he added.
Many point to David Schwimmer as the most likely threat.
"At first, you might think that playing the loveably nebbish Jewish character isn't dangerous at all, but anybody who thinks constantly playing those kinds of roles is harmless should take a very close look at Woody Allen's life and career over the last 20 years," said former Bush Administration counterrorism chief Richard Clarke.
While some point to Matt LeBlanc's upcoming spin-off "Joey" as a possible reason to eliminate at least one cast member as a threat, others aren't as optimistic.
"Actually, the spin-off is a 'lose-lose' proposition," said TV critic Linda Stasi, "if the show is cancelled, he's out on the streets, and if it's a hit, then we still have to see him on TV once a week, what's the lesser of those two evils?" she asked.

Friday, April 02, 2004

New Jeans
A Michigan inventor has created a new pair of jeans called "Sloops" that has less fabric in back for men with smaller butts. And for men with smaller crotches he's created a pair of jeans with less fabric in the front; it's called the "Affleck."

Ashcroft Back
Attorney General John Ashcroft returned to work this week after missing nearly a month because of surgery to remove his gall bladder. Ashcroft's first act on the job will be to prosecute that same surgeon for looking at naked pictures of his gall bladder.

Convention Traffic
The Secret Service is considering shutting down the New York City subway for four days during the Republican National Convention in September. That means that during the convention, the wait for an F train will actually be slightly shorter than usual.

Teens and Cigarettes
Maine’s attorney general is blasting Kool cigarettes’ for launching a marketing campaign with rappers and dancers that he says is specifically aimed at Black youths. And if Maine had any Black youths, he'd really be outraged.

Bush Responds to Fallujah Killings with New Ad Blasting Kerry

Americans must keep the real enemy in focus, says outraged Prez

(Washington) Responding to the brutal killings of four Americans in Fallujah Wednesday, an outraged President George W. Bush announced that the White House would coordinate a "massive response" to the murders with a series of new TV spots blasting Senator John Kerry.

"The murder of our citizens and the desecration of their bodies is an outrage matched only by Senator Kerry's frequent flip-flops on capital gains taxes," said the President, "we will teach the evil marauders of Fallujah with a negative campaign blitz sure to boost my poll numbers by 4 percentage points this month alone," he added.

When told of the Bush Administration's plan, insurgent leaders in Iraq reacted with joy.

"The fact that another American will be attacked in reaction to our actions is exactly what we were hoping for," said an ecstatic Ali Akbar Ahmed, "besides Kerry's whole pledge to crack down on outsourcing may cost my cousin Ibrahim in India his job," he added.

But the Kerry campaign continued its "quick-response" strategy to Republican attacks. It plans to roll out a series of ads next week that will squarely blame the massacres on Halliburton.

Thursday, April 01, 2004

NEWSDAY ALERT!!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column of Newsday today! Here's the link: Newsday

April Fools Day
This April Fools Day, Americans can expect to be subjected to ridiculous antics, outrageous jokes, and hopeless but elaborate ruses... but enough about the Kerry campaign.

Unborn Victims Act
The Unborn Victims of Violence Act, a bill that makes it a crime to harm a fetus will be signed into law by President George W. Bush later today. And after straddling the next two generations of unborn American children with record debt, the first man convicted under the new law will be President George W. Bush.

Madonna Dance
On her new tour, Madonna says she will include a dance number that will reenact battle scenes and "the tragedy of war." But experts say the message may be lost on Madonna's fans who often mistake her live appearances as reenactments of her tragic acting career.

Outsourcing is Good?
A new report predicts that outsourcing white-collar jobs to countries like India and China will ultimately lower inflation and create new jobs. In other words, your pay will stay low and you'll have to take a second job at McDonald's.