NEWSDAY ALERT!!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column of Newsday today! Here's the link: Newsday


April Fools Day
This April Fools Day, Americans can expect to be subjected to ridiculous antics, outrageous jokes, and hopeless but elaborate ruses... but enough about the Kerry campaign.

Unborn Victims Act
The Unborn Victims of Violence Act, a bill that makes it a crime to harm a fetus will be signed into law by President George W. Bush later today. And after straddling the next two generations of unborn American children with record debt, the first man convicted under the new law will be President George W. Bush.

Madonna Dance
On her new tour, Madonna says she will include a dance number that will reenact battle scenes and "the tragedy of war." But experts say the message may be lost on Madonna's fans who often mistake her live appearances as reenactments of her tragic acting career.

Outsourcing is Good?
A new report predicts that outsourcing white-collar jobs to countries like India and China will ultimately lower inflation and create new jobs. In other words, your pay will stay low and you'll have to take a second job at McDonald's.