Yassin Killed
The Bush Administration says its "deeply troubled" by Israel's assassination of Hamas leader Sheik Ahmed Yassin. The White House says it makes the President look really bad when Israel actually keeps its promises to capture and kill terrorists.

Hamas Threat
In response to the assassination, Hamas is vowing to "shake Israel like an Earthquake." Most of the world is deeply worried, but Polaroid expressed relief that the terror group did not say they'd shake Israel like a "Polaroid picture" as Outkast did in "Hey Ya."

Taiwan Election
Taiwan's President Chen Shui-ban is outraged at accusations of vote fraud being made against him. Chen is reminding everyone he won re-election by staging his own assassination, NOT by rigging the ballot boxes.

Kerry Attack
John Kerry is attacking Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, accusing him of ignoring his country's constitution, threatening democracy, and ignoring real terrorists. Chavez says Kerry is entitled to his opinion, but confusing him with President Bush is really unacceptable.

No Child Left Behind Working
A new study shows the Bush Administration's "No Child Left Behind" policy is actually producing better national test results in elementary school students. Experts credit the following massive curriculum changes implemented by the White House for helping more "learning-challenged" students succeed:

-Math with the Florida vote counters

-Reading the Constitution correctly with John Ashcroft

-Penmanship with the CIA's WMD document forgers

-Science, or as it's now been re-named: "God Created Everything, now go to Recess"

-Geography with Karl Rove, (only places you need to find on the map are Florida, Ohio, Pennsylvania and Iraq)

-Extremely Low Impact Physical Education with Dick Cheney