Powell Promise
Afghanistan's new government is still having trouble fighting off remaining elements of the Taliban. U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell is promising to send aid, just as soon as the Mullahs finish helping the administration figure out more ways to fight gay marriage and broadcast indecency.

Panda Mating
Chinese veterinarians are beginning the mating process for American-born panda Hua Mei by showing her videos of copulating pandas. But experts say those kinds movies only work for males; female pandas like something a little more romantic, preferably starring Hugh Grant or Colin Firth.


MARCH MADNESS

The NCAA Basketball Tournament begins tomorrow. Here are some tips for those of you trying to fill out your brackets:


Texas vs. Princeton

Hmm... Texas big shots meet elite White Ivy Leaguers. What is this, a Bush fundraiser?

Prediction: Texas 61 Princeton 57


St. Joseph's vs. Liberty

Big Catholic school versus Jerry Falwell's university. Both teams will pause at halftime to watch "The Passion of the Rebound."

Prediction: St. Joe's 87 Liberty 56


Florida vs. Manhattan

Florida is the place where Manhattan's elderly citizens, and college basketball players, go to die.

Prediction: Florida 71 Manhattan 58


Illinois vs. Murray State

Illinois is too strong, but you gotta a love a place that names the whole school after that nice guy in accounting!

Prediction: Illinois 84 Murray State 56