Kerry Fundraising
Political experts say John Kerry needs to raise $1 million a day for the next 100 days to match President Bush's resources. Top ways he plans to do it:

-You know those little Heinz ketchup packets?... now they're $5 a piece

-Pick Ted Kennedy's wallet every time he gets drunk

-Agree to do a commercial for Botox... oh wait, he's doing that already!

-Sell wholesale Prozac to former Dean supporters

-Get wife Teresa to boost his allowance in return for promise not to hire any more interns

-What the Hell... ask Bush for a loan, he can afford it!

Skull and Bones Fear
Some Americans are concerned that both John Kerry and President Bush both belonged to the Skull and Bones secret society while at Yale. Apparently, the group is dedicated to initiating people with the right stuff to become crappy U.S. presidents.

Swiss Savior
A Swiss woman who saved 15 Jewish children in World War II has become the first person ever pardoned for violating Switzerland’s neutrality act. The Swiss courts were willing to ignore her crime because while she saved the children's lives, she still stole all their money.

GOP Spying
Reports say two Republican Senate staff aides illegally spied on the Democrats by reading their strategy memorandums. Finding the culprits was easy; they were the only ones being treated at the local hospital for boredom.

Indiana Search
An Indiana man facing drug charges says a state trooper made an unconstitutional search by changing his son’s dirty diaper and finding a bag of crack inside. Meanwhile, thousands of other new parents in Indiana say that trooper can violate the constitution at their homes anytime he likes.