Schwarzenegger's Reversal
During an interview on "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno," California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger reversed himself and said he now supports Gay marriage. Political experts say the decision can only mean one thing - Schwarzenegger really does want to work in Hollywood again.

Weight Deduction
The IRS now allows taxpayers to deduct the costs of drastic weight-loss procedures. The news is spurring ABC network executives to see if they can get a refund if they fire Star Jones.

Jackson's Web Site
Michael Jackson has a new web site, which the pop singer is using to refute allegations about him in the press. But experts say some of the site's added features may serve to undermine Jackson's efforts, especially the link to the free underwear laundry service for boys under 15.

Dean Supporters Wanted
Democratic party leaders want to get the list of over 700,000 former Howard Dean supporters so they can be recruited to work for John Kerry. But just because their mothers let them use the computer, it's not clear Dean's backers will be allowed to hit the campaign trail all by themselves.

French Decline
A senior member of the Academie Francaise says his countrymen "no longer respect their language because they are no longer proud of themselves or their country.” Well, I guess we have more in common with the French people than we thought!


Republicans Nominate Hillary Clinton for President

"We told You She was Running!" says Defiant GOP

(Washington, DC) With John Kerry locking up the Democratic nomination for President last night, outraged Republican Party officials are now backing Hillary Clinton for President.

"We're not going to let Democratic primary voters set our agenda," said RNC Chairman Ed Gillespie. "Hillary virtually has our party's nomination locked up now. And as soon as she gets on the campaign trail, we'll be ready to pounce on her pro-Lesbian, pro-abortion on demand, pro-Health care radical agenda... even though she'll be our candidate" Gillespie added.

The move comes after three years of Republican strategy sessions based on predictions that Mrs. Clinton would run and become the Democratic nominee. "Hundreds of millions of dollars were raised at GOP dinners where speakers scared donors with images of another President Clinton," says Washington insider Carlos Watson, "and they're not about to disappoint those big money backers now."

The decision is catching the administration off-guard, especially since President Bush has been running unopposed in every Republican primary this year. But unnamed GOP sources say the President and his administration underestimated the party's conviction to always be alarmist, even if it means losing the White House.

Interestingly, Senator Clinton has not yet rejected the Republican party's offer to run. Mrs. Clinton's office says she's "weighing her options."