Constitutional Amendments
Now that President Bush has backed a Constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage, the White is floating a few more changes they'd like written into the Constitution. Top suggestions:

-Turn Washington Monument into huge Exxon gas pump

-Replace automatic appeals of death sentences, with one spin of the "lucky wheel" in Las Vegas

-Lower legal drinking age to 16, (that one's just for Jenna and Barbara)

-Eliminate all federal funding for public schools in bad neighborhoods... oh wait! they're doing that already!

-State of the Union Address to be replaced by annual concert on House steps by the Oak Ridge Boys


Haiti Rebels
Haitian rebels are continuing their offensive after rejecting a power-sharing deal with President Jean Bertrand Aristide. It's not that they don't want to share power with Aristide, it's just that they'd like to do it some place other than Haiti.

Israel's Fence
Israel has decided to reduce the length of its security fence from 450 to 400 miles. The decision is being hailed by hundreds of Palestinian suicide bombers who won't have to use those annoying longer fuses on their detonators after all.

Bad Ball
A sports bar in Chicago has spent $114,000 for the baseball that Steve Bartman knocked away from outfielder Moises Alou, thus costing the Cubs the National League pennant. That's the most money spent on a bad luck charm in baseball since the Mets acquired Bobby Bonilla.