NEWSDAY ALERT!!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday. Here's the link:
Newsday


Dean Quits
Howard Dean ended his presidential campaign this week, but he's promising to keep benefiting Democratic causes... mostly by handing out all his leftover Prozac and Lithium tablets to crazed delegates at the Democratic convention.

Dean Quits II
Dean does have some other good job prospects. For example, after going 0-18 in the Democratic primaries, he's perfectly qualified to be the new general manager for the Boston Red Sox.

"Sex and the City" Shirts
Fans of the "Sex and the City" stars can now buy new t-shirts that feature the words “I’m a Carrie,” “I’m a Miranda,” “I’m a Charlotte,” and “I’m a Samantha.” Fans of the show's writers can buy one that says "I'm a misogynist."

GOP Convention Plans
The federal government says it may bring Army troops to New York to boost security at this summer’s Republican National Convention. The soldiers will keep the delegates safe from the three kinds of people Republicans find most threatening: foreigners, panhandlers, and pedestrians.

Iraq Elections
American political experts say the chances are slim that Iraq will hold free elections by the July 1st deadline. Mostly because it's less than 5 months away and there hasn't even been one fundraising dinner.

Outkast Song
Polaroid is warning customers not to shake pictures from its cameras like the lyrics in an Outkast song suggest, because that will ruin the image. And Jewish leaders are warning people not to listen to any of Madonna's lyrics about the Kaballah, because she's ruining their religion.