NEWSDAY ALERT!!! I'm back in Newsday's Punchlines again today! Check out the link at: Newsday




Bush AWOL?
Republicans are defending President Bush against accusations that he deserted the Texas Air National Guard in the 1970's, calling such claims, "the worst election-year politics." And they should know, since those claims never worked for them against Bill Clinton.

Strange Sentence
A Florida judge sentenced a man to listen to an opera as punishment for playing rap music too loudly in his car. But the man ended up liking opera just as much as rap, because they're both all about sex and murder.

Star's Dance
Sources say Star Jones attended a stripping party this week and learned how to do a pole dance and a "booty shake." Outraged seismologists say they should have been warned in advance.

Dead Man's Wife
Czechoslovakian police say a woman slept beside her dead husband every night for two years because she could not accept the fact that he had died. But it's an easy mistake, since most dead Europeans don't smell much worse than living Europeans.

Texas Traffic Stops
According to a new report, Black and Hispanic drivers in Texas are more likely than Whites to be pulled over and searched. It's all part of the state's burning desire to continue being the place where Blacks and Hispanics are more likely to be executed.

Striking Oil
A woman in Longview, Texas found crude oil gushing out of her toilet yesterday. Experts say the Bush administration will wait about two weeks before accusing her of having weapons of mass destruction and will then seize her home.