Senate Office Scare
Work was halted throughout the U.S. Senate yesterday after a potentially lethal package was discovered in the mailroom... but enough about President Bush's budget.

Bird Study
A new study says about one billion birds are killed every year when they fly into skyscrapers. In response to the news, John Ashcroft is ordering all birds to be fingerprinted and photographed before they come into the United States.

Paxil Scare
A new study is being launched to determine if prescription antidepressants like Paxil and Zoloft cause suicidal behavior in teenagers. Of course, it's already been confirmed that having to PAY for those drugs makes parents want to kill themselves.

Tax Break
Wisconsin is the first state to offer people a tax deduction of $10,000 dollars for donating an organ. Well, that's one reason to keep sending your kids to the Neverland Ranch.