Janet Jackson Show
CBS says Janet Jackson ended up exposing her bare breast during the Super Bowl halftime show because of a "Wardrobe Malfunction." That's actually the same excuse Michael Jackson tells parents when their kids come back from the Neverland Ranch without their underwear.

Janet II
Sponsors who paid top dollar for Super Bowl ads are the most outraged about the gaffe. That's because after showing Janet partially naked, CBS proved you don't need any pills to cure erectile dysfunction.

Haj Stampede
244 people were killed during a stampede at the annual Muslim stone-throwing ritual this weekend. An angry riot broke out when the crowd realized none of the stones was actually hitting any Israelis.

Groundhog Day
Bad news for America as famous Ground Hog Punxsutawney Phil "saw" his shadow this morning. This means at least six more weeks of Democratic Presidential Debates.