Kerry Wins
After winning the Iowa Caucuses, John Kerry thanked his supporters for "sending him to the Super Bowl." Of course presidential campaigns are a lot like the Super Bowl; they're the two best places to find drunk men, crazed fanatics, and corporate sponsors.

Bush on Marriage
Insiders say President Bush will speak out against Gay marriage in tonight's State of the Union Address, mostly to distract conservatives who are angry about rising levels of federal spending. But experts say if Bush wants to cut down on frivolous spending, he should try to ban ALL marriages.

Stewart Poll
As her trial begins, a new poll shows that only 27% of those asked would find Martha Stewart guilty of insider trading. The other 73% would just like to beat her senseless.