Clemens to Houston
Top reasons why Roger Clemens decided to come out of retirement and join the Houston Astros:

-Still some parts of Mike Piazza he hasn't beaned

-Couldn't find another job where spitting in public was
acceptable

-In the National League he'll have to hit, which means he can
throw BATS at opposing players too!

-Now he'll be able to rip the Red Sox hearts out by beating them
in the World Series too

- You know without an athletic supporter in your pants, most guys
just don't look that impressive anymore


Public School Maternity Leave
A new policy allows New York City high school and middle school moms to take a two-month excused absence from their classes. Experts say they'll need at least that much time to make all the requisite appearances on the Maury Povich Show.

Taboo Closes
The Broadway show "Taboo," about Boy George and club scene is closing after just 3 months. Now if New Yorkers want to see a bunch of men running around in outrageous outfits they'll just have to watch the Knicks.

NJ Blueberries
Earlier this week, New Jersey selected the blueberry as the official state fruit. The move is confusing millions who thought it was Nathan Lane.