Church Study
A new study has good news for Catholic Bishops trying to stop sexual abuse in the Church. According to the audit released today, the Church is finally facing fewer abuse complaints than Michael Jackson.

Mad Cow Lunches
More people are worrying about all the beef being served to American kids in public school lunches. But doctors say parents have no need to be concerned, because the high-fat, high-sugar content in those lunches will surely kill their children well before Mad Cow Disease has a chance to set in.

Afghan Constitution
Afghanistan has approved a new constitution. Experts believe the document's strongest point is the creation of a strong presidential figure who will ensure that millions of Afghans will become united in a new single purpose - assassinating the president.

Osama Tape
Another audio tape supposedly from Osama Bin Laden surfaced this weekend, with the Al Qaeda leader referring to the capture of Saddam Hussein, who he calls "a hireling of America." Well, at least Osama knows how hard it is for us to get good help nowadays.

Doggy Shrink
England's Princess Anne will send her dog to an animal psychologist after it attacked a maid and mauled one of the Queen's corgis last month. It's hoped the move will produce better results than Prince Charles' recent decision to send Camilla Parker Bowles to the dentist.

Massachusetts Booze
A new state law in Massachusetts legalizes liquor sales after noon on Sundays, but only in communities that have approved the option. Everyone else will just have to keep going to Ted Kennedy's house.