Britney Married
Pop star Britney Spears married childhood friend Jason Allen Alexander in Las Vegas this weekend, but the marriage is being annulled. Alexander decided to call it all off when he realized you don't have to get married to sleep with a young pop star, you just have to buy Christina Aguilera a drink.

Rose Admission
Pete Rose is finally admitting he regularly bet on baseball and kept making stupid decisions because he didn't think he'd get caught. This means if Rose is reinstated by Major League Baseball the only job he's qualified for is managing the Mets.

Mars Pictures
Pictures of the breathtaking landscape on Mars are being beamed to Earth by NASA's robot explorer, proving the planet is not just a vast wasteland. It's crushing news for the residents of Utica, NY, who had hoped to see evidence of at least one place in the Universe more desolate than their town.

Soft Drink Ban
The American Academy of Pediatrics says soft drinks should be eliminated from schools to help tackle the nation's obesity epidemic. The doctors say the drinks should be replaced in vending machines with items the kids really need to survive in the schools these days - guns and ammunition.

New Visa Requirement
As part of a new policy, the Department of Homeland Security is now fingerprinting and photographing most visitors to the United States. It's a job New York's Taxi and Limousine commission has had to do on its own for decades.

College Football Championship
LSU and USC will be forced to share college football's national championship because of the flawed BCS system. But this is all good news for thousands of serious high school seniors who actually want to learn something in college, since now they can eliminate not one, but two schools from consideration.