Shriver Quits
California's First Lady Maria Shriver is quitting NBC News to avoid any questions about her journalistic integrity. NBC News is relieved by Shriver's decision, and can now continue wall-to-wall coverage of Janet Jackson's breasts without worrying about any political bias.

New Reality Show
Fox is developing a new reality dating series where if the female contestant picks a straight man, they split 1 million dollars, but if she picks a gay man, he keeps all the money and gets to marry Liza Minnelli.

Bank Robberies
Police say most bank robberies in New York City are now being carried out by new kinds of criminals, who are unarmed and just demand cash... they're called CEO's.

Evolution Study
Scientists have concluded that the Earth's first snakes lived on land as they were evolving into limbless creatures. That pre-evolved animal was known as the "lawyer."