NEWSDAY ALERT! I have two jokes in today's Punchlines column in Newsday. In the print edition, they even included a picture to help illustrate the 2nd joke! Here's the link: Newsday

Subway History
To mark the 100th anniversary of New York’s subway system, old subway cars from the 1930s were put back into service this week. The move is delighting historians who have always wanted to know how long the smell of urine lasts.

Rock Returns
After trying acting for a few years, The Rock is returning to his roots in pro wrestling. That's because wrestling is the only place where having an oversized chest and no acting ability is more celebrated than it is in Hollywood.

Supersizing Eliminated
McDonald's is getting rid of its supersizing option for french fries and sodas, in an effort to simplify their menu and offer regular diners a slower, more painful death.

Jacko Detox
Michael Jackson has been staying at an Aspen ranch with a special "healer" who is attempting to help him get over a longtime addiction to alcohol and painkillers. Meanwhile annoying child actor Haley Joel Osment is also staying with Jackson in hopes of curing his addiction for pre-teen boys.

New Tool
US soldiers in Iraq have been using a new audio weapon to disperse hostile crowds which blasts earsplitting noise in a directed beam. The device is called the "Rosie Perez."