Martha Cancelled
In light of Martha Stewart's conviction, CBS says it will no longer run "Martha Stewart Living" on any of its affiliated stations. But for viewers who insist on seeing TV programming starring jail-bound felons, CBS still has the NCAA Basketball Tournament later this month.

Bathroom Upgrade
The New York Post has an exclusive report today on how New York City is finally cleaning and refurbishing its public bathrooms. The city felt it was only fair to inform the Post first, because by stocking all its public bathrooms with enough paper towels and toilet paper, the city is eliminating the best reason to buy the New York Post.


Brooklyn Fetus set to Enter NBA Draft

Nike, Adidas Rush to Sign Unborn Phenom

(New York) In an unprecedented, yet not unexpected move, the parents of a four-month old fetus in Brooklyn are entering their as-yet unborn son in this June's NBA draft.

"This kid is showing a lot of natural ability," said league scout Ralph Westergard, "there are at least three teams who will try to trade up in the draft to grab him first."

Former NBA star and current TV analyst Bill Walton agrees. "Sure, he can't shoot, pass or play any defense yet, but neither can most of the players on the Knicks or the whole Eastern Conference for that matter."

Sports experts say the unborn child presents an irresistible marketing opportunity for the team that drafts him, the league as a whole, and dozens of companies who will rush to sign the fetus to endorsement contracts.

"With this kid, everything's gonna be for sale," said the child's father Ralph Jones from their home in the Red Hook section of Brooklyn. "The right offer will get the winning sneaker and soft drink company everything from naming rights to creative control."

By starting this early, marketing experts say the Jones child is igniting a new wave in sports endorsements, offering an opening for diaper, baby clothing, and formula companies who were previously locked out of that lucrative part of the business.
"Who wouldn't want to dress, feed, and nurse their child the same way as a basketball megastar?" asked advertising expert Larry Londre. "It's certainly a sweet turn of events for the child-care companies who have been overtaxed for years trying to keep up with the spate of illegitimate children fathered by NBA players across the country," he added.
Objections to the child's super-early entry into pro sports has been minimal. A somewhat surprising show of support came from the National Right to Life Council shortly after the announcement.

"We've been saying for 50 years that a fetus is a life. And nothing says life more to me than an $80 million contract!" said a euphoric NRLC spokesman Wesley Smith.