Wednesday, March 24, 2004

9/11 Commission
The 9/11 Commission's proceedings in Washington have uncovered what al Qaeda's truly most hideous plot to attack the American public was all along... forcing us all to watch a week's worth of useless hearings.

Microsoft Fine
The European Union is fining Microsoft $631 million for continuing its predatory business practices. Top things the EU leaders will do with the money:

-More wine at lunch for all French elementary school students

-Send $10 million a month to Palestinian terror groups... oh wait, they do that already!

-Pay John Kerry $100 million just to get him to stop saying they support him

-Fix everything English soccer hooligans break for a whole year

-Resolve to use the money really wisely; buy 126 million copies of Microsoft Office

Hamas Names Don Zimmer "Interim Leader"

Lovable former Yankee Bench Coach Seen as Perfect Choice During Transition Period

(Gaza City) Reacting quickly to the assassination of Sheik Ahmed Yassin, Hamas has named baseball coaching veteran Don Zimmer as its interim leader until a permanent replacement can be found.

"We have chosen an appropriate replacement for the time being; an older man with lots of experience, a man whose pudgy, cute look is the new face of Jihad!" exclaimed Khaled Mashaal, head of Hamas' political wing.
The terror group said it also picked Zimmer because he does not recognize Israel.

"They kept showing me this picture with all these strange writings on top off what looked like an upside-down triangle. Somebody said it was supposed to be a map of Israel, but Hell if I knew what that was," explained a confused-looking Zimmer.

Zimmer was more assertive when he talked about what he could do for the weakened terror group.

It's not like I can't deal with hopeless situations, remember I was on the '62 Mets," Zimmer said.

The man who Zimmer briefly replaced on several occasions over the past 8 years had nothing but praise for his colleague.

"I don't know about all this geopolitical terrorism stuff," said Zimmer's former boss Yankee Manager Joe Torre, "but if the top guys in Hamas are looking for someone to keep the players in line, make the right calls, and have Jewish blood run in the streets for a few weeks until they pick a permanent leader, Zim's the guy!"

Middle East experts say they were surprised by the choice, but they did see some positive results for the Palestinian cause around the world.

"When Zimmer charged out of the dugout to beat up Pedro Martinez, the whole world just ignored the fact that he was the aggressor and they just attacked Martinez for knocking down a supposedly defenseless and blameless old man," said columnist Thomas Friedman, "that's the kind of publicity spin the Palestinians have enjoyed in Europe for years, so in some ways Zimmer is a natural," he added.

Hamas spokesmen were reluctant to say if Zimmer could do anything to get the "interim" removed from his title and earn the job permanently, but they did offer one possible scenario.

"We have no plans to make any other appointments as of now, but if he can make life as painful for Israelis as it for a family of four to attend a Yankee night game in the Bronx, then I would say Mr. Zimmer has an excellent chance of keeping this job," Mashaal said.


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