Friday, February 27, 2004

Social Security Mess
Political experts say the nation's voting senior citizens will never accept social security cuts unless the government makes the following changes:

-Lower speed limit on national highways to 35 mph

-Create federally-mandated "early bird special" deal at Le Cirque

-Increase strategic reserves of Sanka by 40%

-Force car makers to make new sun visors... in steering wheels

-Make sure even the richest seniors get much more government benefits than the average starving child... oh wait, they do that already!

-Eliminate corporate tax breaks for CEO's who don't call their mothers at least twice a week

Gay Marriage Fight
Political experts say despite President Bush's best efforts, the proposed amendment to ban Gay marriage will not pass the House or Senate. It's the first time Bush has worked hard on something that didn't have a prayer of passing since his senior thesis at Yale.

French Plea
France is asking President Jean Bertrand Aristide to step down as rebel forces move closer to Port-au-Prince. The U.S. says it's the first time France's expertise in knowing how to quit and run away is really coming in handy!

Gibson to Release "Passion II: The Revenge" Next Summer

(Hollywood, California) Spurred by super box office figures and strong audience reaction to "The Passion of the Christ," director Mel Gibson is already beginning to film a sequel where a resurrected Jesus goes on revenge-inspired killing spree.

"Jesus is going to open a can of whup-ass so big, it'll make all the plagues from 'The Ten Commandments' look like the 'Care Bears Movie," boasted Gibson.

"I'm glad he's doing this, I mean after seeing my Lord and Savior beaten brutally for two hours, I'm not really feeling like seeing anymore cheek-turning," said movie fan Ralph Walker of Charlotte, North Carolina. "I mean I better see some ass-kicking in the next movie or I'll be looking to beat up every Jew and Italian I see for the rest of my life," he added.

Insiders say the film's plot will begin with the Resurrection, as Jesus descends back to Earth in an armored Hummer equipped with three mounted machine guns and a grenade launcher.

Gibson says to prove this film will not be Anti-Semitic, Jesus will be joined by a short and lovable Jewish sidekick, (played by Rob Schneider), who will accompany the Messiah in several killing sprees and provide comic relief. But as per movie customs almost as old the Bible itself, Schneider's character will be trapped and killed towards the end of the film, setting off Jesus' final kill fest.

The movie is scheduled for a big summer release Memorial Day Weekend. It features 531 murders, six maimings, and continuous foul language. It will be rated PG-13 for brief nudity.

Thursday, February 26, 2004

I'm in the new RE-DESIGNED "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday. See the link: Newsday

Social Security Warning
Fed chairman Alan Greenspan is warning the government to reduce social security benefits and cut military spending. The Bush administration is promising to solve both problems at once by drafting the elderly.

Top Reasons "The Passion" really is Anti-Semitic

-Judas betrays Jesus for a "really nice" corned beef sandwich and sour pickle

-Mary only upset during Crucifixion because Jesus looks so thin

-After Crucifixion, Jewish witnesses agree, "this is what you get for not calling your mother"

-While Jesus is tortured, elderly Jews in crowd can be heard insisting their arthritis is much more painful

-After Crucifixion, disciples convinced to file wrongful death lawsuit by Alan Dershowitz

-Wine served at Last Supper way too thick and sweet

Gibson's Dad Denies Jews are Funny

Insists Most "Seinfeld" bits written by Episcopalians

(Sydney, Australia) In a stunning rant, Mel Gibson's 85-year old father lashed out at Jews again in a radio interview to be broadcast later tonight.

"Everyone says, the Jews are so funny, they're so talented... it's all a hoax. Take Mel Brooks for instance, I mean even his biggest hit would be nothing without all those hilarious Nazis!"

Gibson also says he doubts most of the best sitcoms were really written by Jews.

"What self-respecting Jew would write some of those plots on "Seinfeld? It's pretty obvious these kinds of hit shows are really written by Gays... probably former Episcopalian Bishops."

Gibson did admit that "Mad About You" star Paul Reiser was "probably Jewish," but most Jewish leaders are taking little solace in that concession.

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

Constitutional Amendments
Now that President Bush has backed a Constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage, the White is floating a few more changes they'd like written into the Constitution. Top suggestions:

-Turn Washington Monument into huge Exxon gas pump

-Replace automatic appeals of death sentences, with one spin of the "lucky wheel" in Las Vegas

-Lower legal drinking age to 16, (that one's just for Jenna and Barbara)

-Eliminate all federal funding for public schools in bad neighborhoods... oh wait! they're doing that already!

-State of the Union Address to be replaced by annual concert on House steps by the Oak Ridge Boys

Haiti Rebels
Haitian rebels are continuing their offensive after rejecting a power-sharing deal with President Jean Bertrand Aristide. It's not that they don't want to share power with Aristide, it's just that they'd like to do it some place other than Haiti.

Israel's Fence
Israel has decided to reduce the length of its security fence from 450 to 400 miles. The decision is being hailed by hundreds of Palestinian suicide bombers who won't have to use those annoying longer fuses on their detonators after all.

Bad Ball
A sports bar in Chicago has spent $114,000 for the baseball that Steve Bartman knocked away from outfielder Moises Alou, thus costing the Cubs the National League pennant. That's the most money spent on a bad luck charm in baseball since the Mets acquired Bobby Bonilla.

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

Bush Gay Marriage
President Bush announced today that he will support a Constitutional amendment banning Gay marriage. The President said he was reluctant to make the move, but "something had to be done to keep Dick Cheney and Antonin Scalia from seeing each other."

High school teachers say the essay requirement in the new SAT is plunging thousands of their students into severe "writing anxiety." But it still doesn't match the anxiety their parents will feel when they'll write the checks to their kids' colleges.

New feature! Tomorrow's headlines... today!


Movie unfairly depicts them as brutal; could provoke anti-Romanism

(Rome, Italy) Thousands of ancient Romans staged a public protest today against Mel Gibson's new film "The Passion of the Christ." The Romans say the movie portrays them as cruel and ignorant, and alternating between committing acts of senseless violence and just allowing Jews to tell them what to do.

"First there was 'Gladiator,' and now this," said Marcus Claudius Tiberius Germanicus Augustus Nero, president of "People for the Appian Way," who led the protest. "This is the worst movie I've seen since MCMLXXXIV," he added.

Gibson responded to the protest with skepticism, complaining that the ancient Romans obviously hadn't even seen the film, mostly because they've all been dead for about 1,500 years.

In a separate story, the family of an former ancient Roman governor of Palestine is suing several gyms and spas across the country for unlawfully using their ancestor's name for the "Pilates" workout program.

Monday, February 23, 2004

"The Passion" Attack
Several Rabbis are giving sermons attacking Mel Gibson's "The Passion of the Christ." Reform Rabbis say the film could provoke Anti-Semitism, Conservative Rabbis say it isn't Biblically accurate, but the most compelling argument against the film comes from Orthodox Rabbi Moshe Rabinowitz who says: "$10.50 for a movie?... FEH!"

Passion Accident
During the filming of the Crucifixion scene, actor James Caviezel was struck by lightning. Evangelicals say the incident helped the actor suffer like Christ, critics say it shows the movie is a moral mistake, and Mel Gibson's father says it's proof of a new Jewish-controlled weather machine.

Schwarzenegger Decree
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is calling on San Francisco to stop issuing licenses for Gay marriages, saying they "pose an imminent threat to civil order." Top reasons why:

-Thousands of homosexuals flooding into California causing a dangerous run on theater tickets

-Longer waits at San Francisco City Hall inconveniencing "morally-correct" heterosexual couples rushing to get married before the bride goes into labor

-Evil "activist judges" spending too much time granting equal rights and not enough time granting illegal search warrants to John Ashcroft

-The wait for a Stairmaster in most Bay Area gyms is up to 25 minutes

-Impossible to find a decent hairstylist who isn't away on a Honeymoon right now

Friday, February 20, 2004

Sex and the City Ending
HBO's popular "Sex and the City" series airs its final episode Sunday night. That means if you want to hear people talking on TV about sex, sleazy men, and New York City, you'll have to wait until this summer's Republican Convention.

Irish Smoking Ban
Next month, Ireland will ban smoking in pubs... insuring that no one in Ireland will ever smoke again.

Kutcher Age
The National Enquirer claims it has documents proving that Ashton Kutcher is not 26, but really 30 years old. But no one has any documents to explain why Kutcher has the brain of a 10-year-old.

Hasty Pudding Winner
Harvard's Hasty Pudding club awarded its Man of the Year award to Robert Downey Jr. yesterday in Cambridge. Club members admit Downey hadn't really done anything to earn the honor, but they really just wanted to get close enough to him to get a cheap contact high.

Thursday, February 19, 2004

NEWSDAY ALERT!!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday. Here's the link:

Dean Quits
Howard Dean ended his presidential campaign this week, but he's promising to keep benefiting Democratic causes... mostly by handing out all his leftover Prozac and Lithium tablets to crazed delegates at the Democratic convention.

Dean Quits II
Dean does have some other good job prospects. For example, after going 0-18 in the Democratic primaries, he's perfectly qualified to be the new general manager for the Boston Red Sox.

"Sex and the City" Shirts
Fans of the "Sex and the City" stars can now buy new t-shirts that feature the words “I’m a Carrie,” “I’m a Miranda,” “I’m a Charlotte,” and “I’m a Samantha.” Fans of the show's writers can buy one that says "I'm a misogynist."

GOP Convention Plans
The federal government says it may bring Army troops to New York to boost security at this summer’s Republican National Convention. The soldiers will keep the delegates safe from the three kinds of people Republicans find most threatening: foreigners, panhandlers, and pedestrians.

Iraq Elections
American political experts say the chances are slim that Iraq will hold free elections by the July 1st deadline. Mostly because it's less than 5 months away and there hasn't even been one fundraising dinner.

Outkast Song
Polaroid is warning customers not to shake pictures from its cameras like the lyrics in an Outkast song suggest, because that will ruin the image. And Jewish leaders are warning people not to listen to any of Madonna's lyrics about the Kaballah, because she's ruining their religion.

Wednesday, February 18, 2004

Kennedy Weight Loss
Reports say Senator Ted Kennedy has lost nearly 40 pounds, so that he'll look better while campaigning for John Kerry. But those reports are only half right; Kennedy really lost the weight so he'll look better while campaigning for John Kerry's interns.

Disney Muppet Deal
Disney is buying the Muppets from the Henson family. The Disney board will immediately put Elmo to work on an important job: gently explaining to Michael Eisner that it's time for him to get lost.

Let's Be Friends
Christina Aguilera has sent a letter to Britney Spears suggesting they stop feuding and become friends. But Spears is taking the gesture as an insult... because she can't read.

Bad Leak
German police say a truck carrying raspberry syrup sprang a leak that left a 25 mile sticky trail on a highway. It's the first time anyone's seen anything like it in Germany since President Clinton's motorcade traveled the Autobahn.

Space Discovery
A team of astrophysicists has detected a tiny galaxy that is the farthest known object from Earth. They've named it "Howard Dean's Chances."

Bremer Promise
Chief US administrator in Iraq Paul Bremer says he will reject any new constitution based on fundamentalist laws that limit women’s rights. While this is good news for Iraq's female population, it also means Bremer will have to renounce his U.S. citizenship.

Tuesday, February 17, 2004

Affirmative Action Protest
Conservative groups on several college campuses are creating a special scholarship for Whites only to protest Affirmative Action. But most universities already have an organization that offers tuition incentives to Whites only, it's called the golf team.

Affirmative Action II
Educational experts agree the entire protest is ridiculous. That's because there will always be Affirmative Action for undeserving White students as long as the Kennedy and Bush families keep sending their kids to Ivy League schools.

San Francisco Weddings
As hundreds of Gay and Lesbian couples rush to get married in San Francisco, conservative religious groups are denouncing the unions as immoral and against the rules of decency. That's opposed to when heterosexual couples rush to get married because one of them is 6 months pregnant.

Friday, February 13, 2004

Kerry Affair?
Rumors are swirling that John Kerry had an affair with one of his interns, and recently sent overseas to avoid reporters. Republicans are hoping she will come forward, Democrats are hoping she'll keep quiet, and everyone else just hopes she looks at least a little better than Monica Lewinsky.

Cuban Defectors
U.S. officials say the Cuban family who twice tried to sail to Florida in vintage cars will get a chance to stay in the United States... but that's only because they'll be really good contestants on "Fear Factor."

Valentines Protest
A new activist group is urging shoppers not to buy gold necklaces, earrings, and bracelets this Valentines Day to protest the gold mining industry's harmful practices. The name of the group is "Cheap Boyfriends United."

Double-D Dragnet
The search continues in Italy for a woman who had her breasts enlarged with the biggest silicone implants possible and then skipped out on the $10,000 plastic surgery bill. The incident isn't exactly boosting confidence in the Italian police force... I mean how hard could it be to spot this woman?!?

Bush Transfer
A new review of President Bush's military records shows he transferred from the Texas Air National Guard to Alabama in 1972 even though the Air Force denied his request. But this information really doesn't bother Mr. Bush, who transferred from the Texas governor's mansion to the White House in 2000 even though most of the voters denied that request too.

Thursday, February 12, 2004

NEWSDAY ALERT!!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" feature in Newsday today. See the link: Newsday

Kerry and Fonda
Republicans are hoping pictures of John Kerry with Jane Fonda at a 1970 anti-war rally will hurt his campaign. But the GOP is overlooking the much-more damaging photos of Kerry wearing leg warmers on Fonda's 1983 workout video.

Harvard Sex Mag
Harvard University has approved the publication of a student sex magazine, outraging many parents who call it obscene. But those parents already see something obscene from Harvard every semester - it's called the tuition bill.

Crowe Movie
"Dumb and Dumber" director Peter Farrelly says he would like to have Russell Crowe play Moe in a movie about the Three Stooges. Not because of his acting ability, but because who wouldn't want to see Crowe get poked in the eye and punched in the head 500 times?

Missing Candidate
Long-shot Russian presidential candidate Ivan Rybkin received a storm of media attention when he was reported missing for five days. After hearing the news, Dennis Kucinich immediately started hiding under his bed at the Milwaukee Howard Johnson's.

Wednesday, February 11, 2004

Cheney & Scalia
Liberals are attacking Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia's recent hunting trip with Dick Cheney, because the court will soon hear a case involving the Vice President. But an angry Scalia says his fabulous weekend alone with Cheney in the woods will not influence his decision on gay marriage.

Bush AWOL?
Many political experts say the voters would forgive President Bush if he simply admitted he avoided doing his final year of National Guard service in Alabama. Actually to get out of having to go to Alabama, most of the nation would probably even forgive him if he joined the Viet Cong.

Dean Backtracks
Howard Dean now says that he will not drop out of the Presidential race even if he loses the Wisconsin primary. Dean says he won't formally drop out of the race until he can convince someone that he's still in the race.

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

French School Vote
The French national assembly voted to outlaw religious symbols from public schools, including Islamic headscarves, Jewish skullcaps and big Christian crosses. Muslim students are the most outraged by the ban, because it leaves them unsure about whom they should be beating up.

Carnivale Float
Because of tensions between the United States and Brazil, a float at this year's Carnivale in Rio will be a sculpture of Uncle Sam with his pants down and his genitals in plain sight. But experts say the impact of the float will be diminished by the hundreds of thousands of Brazilians at Carnivale dancing with their pants down and their genitals in plain sight.

Kerry's Response
Senator John Kerry questioned whether President Bush dodged his Air National Guard service during the Vietnam War saying, "Just because you get an honorable discharge, it doesn't mean you really served."... And just because he's President, it doesn't mean he was really elected.

Iraq Commission
Democrats say President Bush is giving the commission investigating failed intelligence in Iraq until next year to publish its report because he doesn't want to hurt his chances for re-election. But insiders say with all the big words expected to be in the document, the President will need about a year to finish reading it.

Monday, February 09, 2004

Bush's Answer
Speaking on "Meet the Press" Sunday, President Bush said he went to war with Iraq because "we shouldn't leave a dangerous man in power and trust a madman." The explanation isn't exactly convincing the voters, but it is giving John Kerry a great new campaign slogan.

American Pilot
An American Airlines pilot is under investigation after he asked passengers on a flight to New York if they were Christians and urged them to pray. The airline says that kind of missionizing was inappropriate and uncecessary, especially since everyone about to go through baggage claim at JFK is already praying.

Friday, February 06, 2004

Rosie's Support
Rosie O'Donnell showed up at federal court to support Martha Stewart during her trial this week. Martha thanked her for coming, but reminded Rosie that she won't need help from someone like her until AFTER she's behind bars.

Hooters Student
A high-school student in Georgia, has been asked by her school to quit her hostess job at Hooters. The school isn't offended by the restaurant's sexy outfits, it's just that Hooters doesn't allow any of its female employees to read.

Taiwan Gay Marriage
Taiwan is expected to become the first country in Asia to legalize gay marriage, and the decision isn't stirring up much controversy on the island nation. But that's because no one in Taiwan is running for Congress.

James Brown Marriage
James Brown says he wants an annulment from his wife after she had him arrested on domestic violence charges. But Brown's attorneys really think that before he deals with his marriage, he should focus on his more pressing legal issues... and sue his hairdresser.

Spiked Cookies
Australia's government may ban the sale of a new line of alcohol-spiked cookies. But the company that makes them needn't worry about profits... Michael Jackson has already ordered 100,000 cases.

Thursday, February 05, 2004

NEWSDAY ALERT!!! I'm back in Newsday's Punchlines again today! Check out the link at: Newsday

Bush AWOL?
Republicans are defending President Bush against accusations that he deserted the Texas Air National Guard in the 1970's, calling such claims, "the worst election-year politics." And they should know, since those claims never worked for them against Bill Clinton.

Strange Sentence
A Florida judge sentenced a man to listen to an opera as punishment for playing rap music too loudly in his car. But the man ended up liking opera just as much as rap, because they're both all about sex and murder.

Star's Dance
Sources say Star Jones attended a stripping party this week and learned how to do a pole dance and a "booty shake." Outraged seismologists say they should have been warned in advance.

Dead Man's Wife
Czechoslovakian police say a woman slept beside her dead husband every night for two years because she could not accept the fact that he had died. But it's an easy mistake, since most dead Europeans don't smell much worse than living Europeans.

Texas Traffic Stops
According to a new report, Black and Hispanic drivers in Texas are more likely than Whites to be pulled over and searched. It's all part of the state's burning desire to continue being the place where Blacks and Hispanics are more likely to be executed.

Striking Oil
A woman in Longview, Texas found crude oil gushing out of her toilet yesterday. Experts say the Bush administration will wait about two weeks before accusing her of having weapons of mass destruction and will then seize her home.

Wednesday, February 04, 2004

Shriver Quits
California's First Lady Maria Shriver is quitting NBC News to avoid any questions about her journalistic integrity. NBC News is relieved by Shriver's decision, and can now continue wall-to-wall coverage of Janet Jackson's breasts without worrying about any political bias.

New Reality Show
Fox is developing a new reality dating series where if the female contestant picks a straight man, they split 1 million dollars, but if she picks a gay man, he keeps all the money and gets to marry Liza Minnelli.

Bank Robberies
Police say most bank robberies in New York City are now being carried out by new kinds of criminals, who are unarmed and just demand cash... they're called CEO's.

Evolution Study
Scientists have concluded that the Earth's first snakes lived on land as they were evolving into limbless creatures. That pre-evolved animal was known as the "lawyer."

Tuesday, February 03, 2004

Senate Office Scare
Work was halted throughout the U.S. Senate yesterday after a potentially lethal package was discovered in the mailroom... but enough about President Bush's budget.

Bird Study
A new study says about one billion birds are killed every year when they fly into skyscrapers. In response to the news, John Ashcroft is ordering all birds to be fingerprinted and photographed before they come into the United States.

Paxil Scare
A new study is being launched to determine if prescription antidepressants like Paxil and Zoloft cause suicidal behavior in teenagers. Of course, it's already been confirmed that having to PAY for those drugs makes parents want to kill themselves.

Tax Break
Wisconsin is the first state to offer people a tax deduction of $10,000 dollars for donating an organ. Well, that's one reason to keep sending your kids to the Neverland Ranch.

Monday, February 02, 2004

Janet Jackson Show
CBS says Janet Jackson ended up exposing her bare breast during the Super Bowl halftime show because of a "Wardrobe Malfunction." That's actually the same excuse Michael Jackson tells parents when their kids come back from the Neverland Ranch without their underwear.

Janet II
Sponsors who paid top dollar for Super Bowl ads are the most outraged about the gaffe. That's because after showing Janet partially naked, CBS proved you don't need any pills to cure erectile dysfunction.

Haj Stampede
244 people were killed during a stampede at the annual Muslim stone-throwing ritual this weekend. An angry riot broke out when the crowd realized none of the stones was actually hitting any Israelis.

Groundhog Day
Bad news for America as famous Ground Hog Punxsutawney Phil "saw" his shadow this morning. This means at least six more weeks of Democratic Presidential Debates.