Thursday, August 30, 2007

Rich Dog
Now that Leona Helmsley has left $12 million to her dog, many are asking what a dog can do with that kind of money. In what might be a related story, there is now a $12 million contract out on Michael Vick's life.

Craig Loses Support
Several Republican leaders are now calling on disgraced Senator Larry Craig to resign, but most GOP lawmakers just want him to promise never to use the Senate mens room.

Nifong Pleads
Disgraced former prosecutor Mike Nifong pleaded not guilty Thursday to contempt of court charges. Nifong insisted he has no contempt for the court, just for rich white kids.

GAO Report
A scathing report by the General Accounting Office is blasting the Iraqi government for failing to meet the vast majority of political, economic, and military goals set out for them by the voters... oh wait, that's actually the GAO's report on the Democrats in Congress.

Model Bitten
A Mrs. America contestant from Tennessee spent about 15 hours in a Tucson hospital after being bitten by a rattlesnake at a hotel. Even after the attack, she was still more coherent than the average Miss Teen USA contestant in the interview competition.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Craig Caught
Senator Larry Craig joins a growing list of GOP officeholders accused of gay sexual misconduct. Well, now we know why the Republicans are so against gay marriage; it would take all the fun out of dating.

Several gay men are now expected to come forward to say they had relationships with Larry Craig. Luckily for him, even the guys he had sex with have never heard of Larry Craig.

The latest scandal proves how hypocritical Republicans are when it comes to homosexuality... and how hypocritical the Democrats are when it comes to respecting diversity.

What are the chances?... there are three gay people from Idaho and they all work in Larry Craig's office.

Sadr Suspension
Anti-American Iraqi cleric Muqtada al-Sadr has suspended his militia's operations for up to six months as they reassess their weapons, manpower, and exposure to the subprime mortgage crisis.

CBGB Founder Dies
The founder of the New York rock club CBGB has died at 75. He get into Heaven, but only if he has the proper hand stamp.

Helmsley's Will
Leona Helmsley's will leaves $12 million to her dog, but nothing to two of her grandchildren. You'd think being able to use the toilet would have given the kids an edge... but hey, you never know.

Top 10 New Corporate Sponsored College Football Nicknames

10) Nebraska Ethanol Huskers

9) Alabama Crimson Tide Detergent

8) Florida Crocs

7) Penn State Food Lions

6) USC Latex Trojans

5) Notre Dame Fighting Irish Spring

4) Syracuse Sunkist Orangemen

3) Cal American Express Gold Card Bears

2) LSU/Exxon Tigers

1) Arkansas Gillete Razorbacks

Monday, August 27, 2007

Craig Arrested
Senator Larry Craig says that police misconstrued his actions before arresting him for lewd behavior in a Minneapolis airport restroom. Craig, who had been working for Mitt Romney's presidential campaign, insists he was simply doing some "private polling."

Gonzales Quits
Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has resigned. If he was going to keep getting criticized for breaking ethics laws, he figured he might as well do it for real money in the corporate world.

Gonzales Quits II
President Bush says Attorney General Alberto Gonzales name was dragged through the mud for political reasons... which is something that he only thinks should be done to U.S. attorneys.

Gonzales Quits III
Democrats in Congress are cheering the Gonzales resignation... now they can go back to calling their mistresses without fear of their phones being tapped.

Reality TV
With mortgage fears rising daily, a few popular reality TV shows have had to retool for the fall, including "Extreme Makeover: Foreclosure Edition," and "Ditch This House!"

Vick Apology
Michael Vick publicly apologized for his role in a dog fighting ring and said he "needs to grow up." Actually, what he needs to do now is learn how to shower with his clothes on.

Obesity on the Rise
The bad news is that 31 U.S. states showed an increase in obesity rates last year. The good news is that the two-for-one sandwich special at Arby's has been extended indefinitely!

Sunday, August 26, 2007

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm was back in Thursday's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and! Here's the link: Newsday

Allawi to Return
Iraq's former interim prime minister Ayad Allawi says he will return to Baghdad soon to "improve things in his country." And he can do that right away by becoming the one bombing victim Americans can care least about.

DMX's Home Raided
Police in Arizona have removed several pit bulls from rapper DMX's home. The dogs are being sent to Virginia where they've been subpoenaed to testify against Michael Vick.

Greek Fires
Massive fires are consuming large areas of southern Greece and are racing toward several ancient sites. Greek police have a warrant out for Prometheus and have orders to arrest him on site.

Crazed Passenger
Quick-thinking passengers and crew members managed to subdue a deranged man who tried to open an airplane door on a Frontier Airlines flight to New York Saturday. No charges were filed after it was determined the man is a Frontier Airlines shareholder.

Daddy for President
Five of the top presidential contenders from both parties have children under the age of 10... well, at least they have someone they can relate to.

Lunar Eclipse
The Earth's shadow will creep across the moon's surface early Tuesday, slowly eclipsing it and turning it to shades of orange and red. In a cruel twist of fate, this is the only time of the year when geeks in astronomy class have a decent shot of getting lucky, but school hasn't even started yet.

Lunar Eclipse II
The Earth's shadow will creep across the moon's surface early Tuesday, slowly eclipsing it and turning it to shades of orange and red... but there's no word on how this will affect the growing mortgage crisis.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Iraq Wish List
Nightmarish realities in Baghdad are prompting American officials to curb their vision for democracy in Iraq. Instead, the officials now say they are willing to settle for a government that functions and can bring security... but why should the Iraqis get that before Americans do?

LLWS Favorites
Taipei is one of the favorites to win this year's Little League World Series... that is, if they aren't effected by their poisonous lead-based bats.

Vick Defended
The head of the Atlanta chapter of the NAACP says said Michael Vick should not lose his football career with the NFL. The NAACP leader insists the organization doesn't condone dog fighting or animal cruelty, it just doesn't think anyone should be punished for it.

Fast T-Rex
New research shows that the Tyrannosaurus rex could reach relatively high speeds and could have been able to outrun most modern-day sportsmen like David Beckham. Based on the report, Nike and Adidas are now in an all-out bidding war to sign the T-rex to an endorsement deal.

Strahan's Decision
Giants pro-bowler Michael Strahan is still not sure whether he wants to return for another season. He wants to play, but it's hard playing on a team where everyone is sleeping with your ex-wife.

Cramer's Track Record
Records show that investors who took Jim Cramer's stock advice in CNBC over the past two years would have done better had they simply invested in a regular index fund. Of course, they could have REALLY done better if they had simply sold him tons of psychiatric drugs.

Thompson's Resume
Fred Thompson says working on the NBC series "Law and Order" has prepared him for running for president. That makes sense, TV actors and presidential candidates both mostly smile and just say the lines a bunch of overpaid Ivy League graduates write for them.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Bad Conditions
A U.S.-based workers' rights group says it's found "brutal conditions" eight Chinese toy plants. But the workers are still safer than the American kids playing with those toys.

Capital One Closings
Captiol One has closed its mortgage unit and is laying off hundreds of workers. What's in your wallet? A pink slip.

Dodd's Promise
Senate Banking chairman Christopher Dodd says Fed chief Ben Bernanke will 'absolutely' do everything possible to stabilize financial markets. So I guess the FED will be paying for the strippers on the Merrill Lynch trading floor this week.

Spector Defense Rests
The defense in the Phil Spector murder trial rested today after the famed record producer waived his right to testify. Spector didn't want to go on the stand without a reall cute backup band.

Endeavor Returns
The Space Shuttle Endeavor landed safely back on Earth Tuesday afternoon. The astronaut debriefing is being held at happy hour at Mel's Bar and Grill in downtown Houston.

Bionic Woman Issues
NBC may be forced to cancel its new fall series "Bionic Woman," before it premieres. Apparently, the star is experiencing serious problems with her Chinese-made electronic body parts.

Vick to Jail
Michael Vick will plead guilty to dog fighting charges and will get prison time... giving the guys who wrote "The Longest Yard" another excuse to pitch their sequel.

Monday, August 20, 2007

H.S. Musical 2
Disney's "High School Musical 2" is setting major viewing records across the country. Mostly because it's the first thing in years marketed to children that's not made with poisonous Chinese raw materials.

Vatican Airline
The Vatican is launching its own airline later this month. Each jet will feature special decorations, separate seating for clergy, and a confessional where the pilots can safely admit they're drunk.

Vatican Airline II
The Vatican is launching its own airline later this month. Fares will be low, but parents with children are required to sign a promise not to sue the Church before boarding.

Dean to hit Cancun
Hurricane Dean is taking direct aim at the Mexican resort town of Cancun. As a result, the two-for-one deal on Coronas at Carlos and Charlie's has been extended through Thursday.

Bears Eat Drunk Guy
A 23-year old man was found dead and half-eaten in the bear cage of Belgrade Zoo at the weekend during the annual beer festival. Next year they will no longer serve the honey wheat blend.

Delorean Comeback?
A Texas business is looking to start manufacturing the Delorean again. Each new model will come with exciting standard amenities, like a secret cocaine compartment.

Helmsley Dies
Leona Helmsley has died at age 87. She's finally going somewhere where the IRS can't find her.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Seagal's Demand
Steven Seagal wants the FBI to apologize for the investigation of some of his associates that he says has hurt his career. But the Bureau says its investigation has nothing to do with the fact that everyone in Hollywood knows he can't act.

Vick's Choices
Now that Michael Vick's two co-defendants have pleased guilty to animal cruelty charges, the NFL quarterbacks lawyers say he is "weighing his options,"... which currently are going to jail, paying a huge fine, or agreeing to play for the Oakland Raiders.

Dean Takes Aim
Hurricane Dean is bearing down on Jamaica packing 155 MPH winds. Democrats are already accusing President Bush of ignoring the people on the island, even though Jamaica isn't actually a part of the United States.

Thompson's Pledge
Even though it's been revealted that he once worked for a pro choice group, Republican presidential candidate Fred Thompson says he would ban abortion if he were elected... but not before he bans those pesky reporters who keep finding who he used to work for.

Endeavor Coming Home Early
NASA is considering ending the Shuttle Endeavor's mission a day early. The space agency thinks it's wise to separate the astronauts before they get so attached that they start stalking each other's lovers when they get back home.

Young Marrieds
A new Arkansas law technically allows toddlers to marry with parental consent... which means that if I can't potty train my daughter by next month, it's gonna be her husband's problem.

Young Marrieds
A new Arkansas law technically allows toddlers to marry with parental consent. I'm not sure if this is in some way connected to the fact that Michael Jackson just moved to Little Rock.

Chinese Mine Disaster
A massive flood in a Chinese coal mine has left 181 miners dead. That means it could be weeks before their remains are recovered in either a can of exported dog food or a package of toys from Mattel.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Stocks Melt
The stock market selloff continues as traders realize that there are more bad loans out there, hedge funds are failing, and perhaps a 2-bedroom shack in Alabama isn't worth $500,000 after all.

Young Hero
A five-year-old California boy helped deliver his baby sister after his mother went into labor at their home. The boy is being called a hero, but will still probably be sued for malpractice.

Side Impact Tests
The bad news is that luxury cars like BMW have faired very badly in the latest round of side impact crash tests. The good news is that rich people suck.

Giuliani Family
Rudy Giuliani was asked by a reporter why he should expect loyalty from voters when he doesn't get it from his own kids. Giuliani responded by saying the media needs to leave his family completely alone... something he's done successfully for more than 10 years now.

Call Him Allah
A Catholic bishop in Holland wants everyone to start calling God "Allah," so as not to offend Muslims. That should help, since Muslims really hate it when we ask for God's help when they're beheading us.

Jenna Engaged
First daughter Jenna Bush has become engaged to Henry Hager of Richmond, VA. But with Karl Rove leaving the administration, it's not clear if the couple will be able to set their own wedding date.