Seagal's Demand
Steven Seagal wants the FBI to apologize for the investigation of some of his associates that he says has hurt his career. But the Bureau says its investigation has nothing to do with the fact that everyone in Hollywood knows he can't act.



Vick's Choices
Now that Michael Vick's two co-defendants have pleased guilty to animal cruelty charges, the NFL quarterbacks lawyers say he is "weighing his options,"... which currently are going to jail, paying a huge fine, or agreeing to play for the Oakland Raiders.



Dean Takes Aim
Hurricane Dean is bearing down on Jamaica packing 155 MPH winds. Democrats are already accusing President Bush of ignoring the people on the island, even though Jamaica isn't actually a part of the United States.



Thompson's Pledge
Even though it's been revealted that he once worked for a pro choice group, Republican presidential candidate Fred Thompson says he would ban abortion if he were elected... but not before he bans those pesky reporters who keep finding who he used to work for.



Endeavor Coming Home Early
NASA is considering ending the Shuttle Endeavor's mission a day early. The space agency thinks it's wise to separate the astronauts before they get so attached that they start stalking each other's lovers when they get back home.



Young Marrieds
A new Arkansas law technically allows toddlers to marry with parental consent... which means that if I can't potty train my daughter by next month, it's gonna be her husband's problem.


Young Marrieds
A new Arkansas law technically allows toddlers to marry with parental consent. I'm not sure if this is in some way connected to the fact that Michael Jackson just moved to Little Rock.



Chinese Mine Disaster
A massive flood in a Chinese coal mine has left 181 miners dead. That means it could be weeks before their remains are recovered in either a can of exported dog food or a package of toys from Mattel.