NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm was back in Thursday's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com! Here's the link: Newsday



Allawi to Return
Iraq's former interim prime minister Ayad Allawi says he will return to Baghdad soon to "improve things in his country." And he can do that right away by becoming the one bombing victim Americans can care least about.



DMX's Home Raided
Police in Arizona have removed several pit bulls from rapper DMX's home. The dogs are being sent to Virginia where they've been subpoenaed to testify against Michael Vick.



Greek Fires
Massive fires are consuming large areas of southern Greece and are racing toward several ancient sites. Greek police have a warrant out for Prometheus and have orders to arrest him on site.



Crazed Passenger
Quick-thinking passengers and crew members managed to subdue a deranged man who tried to open an airplane door on a Frontier Airlines flight to New York Saturday. No charges were filed after it was determined the man is a Frontier Airlines shareholder.



Daddy for President
Five of the top presidential contenders from both parties have children under the age of 10... well, at least they have someone they can relate to.




Lunar Eclipse
The Earth's shadow will creep across the moon's surface early Tuesday, slowly eclipsing it and turning it to shades of orange and red. In a cruel twist of fate, this is the only time of the year when geeks in astronomy class have a decent shot of getting lucky, but school hasn't even started yet.


Lunar Eclipse II
The Earth's shadow will creep across the moon's surface early Tuesday, slowly eclipsing it and turning it to shades of orange and red... but there's no word on how this will affect the growing mortgage crisis.