Thursday, March 29, 2007

Iraq Vote
By a 50-48 vote, the Senate has approved a timetable for withdrawal from Iraq. But by a 98-0 vote, the Senators rejected a proposed timetable for withdrawing from their interns.

The Boss' Daughter
George Steinbrenner's daughter is getting a divorce. The list of possible new husbands she's reportedly considering includes Don Mattingly, Joe Girardi and Yogi Berra,

Versace Anorexia
Fashion queen Donatella Versace's daughter Allegra is suffering from anorexia... apparently a result of what she learned from "take your daughter to work day."

Versace Anorexia II
Fashion queen Donatella Versace's daughter Allegra is suffering from anorexia... saddening her mother who says she brought her daughter up to be anorexic AND a heroin addict.

Gonzales Hearing
Former top aide to Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, Kyle Sampson, says none of the U.S. Attorneys fired by the Justice Department were sacked "for an improper reason." Too bad Sampson forgot that you're never allowed to fire a federal employee for any reason.

Sex Patch
A new patch that helps boost a woman's sex drive has been approved in Europe, but not in the U.S. That's because in America, men shower.

Iran Protests
Angry Iranians took to the streets of Tehran today to protest against the British sailors seized by Iran this weekend. Apparently, average citizens are furious that the prisoners are getting special privileges most Iranians never get, like food, water, and a bed.

GOP Polls
Despite general discontent over the war in Iraq, every poll shows the leading Republican candidates are all ahead of Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Edwards. This is confounding experts who can't understand why more Americans aren't willing to support a liar, a novice, and a guy we should like just because his wife has cancer.

Ethanol Demand
Demand for ethanol has raised corn prices drastically. It's getting so bad, cows are begging for handouts at my local Exxon station.

Coach Slurs
After calling Jews "crafty" and saying that Jews "are really running this country," former NBA star Michael Ray Richardson has been suspended from his job as a minor league basketball coach. But Richardson was immediately hired by the political science department at Harvard University.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Iran Response
Despite photographic proof showing otherwise, Iran insists that the British sailors it's imprisoned were inside Iranian waters when they were seized. Of course Tehran also considers "Iranian waters" to be the entire Persian Gulf, the Mediterranean Sea, and Lake Michigan.

U.S. Involvement
Iran may have seized the British sailors in the hopes that they could be exchanged for Iranian spies now being held in the U.S. But the White House says the only Iranian operative in the U.S. that it's willing to hand over is Sean Penn.

Iraq Withdrawal Bill
Senate Democrats have passed a bill that withholds funding for the war in Iraq unless the White House agrees to a U.S withdrawal by the spring of 2008. Inspired by the Democrats, the Shakopee Indian tribe is threatening to withhold all casino slot machine winnings until the U.S. agrees to withdraw from Minnesota by 2009.

SF Plastic Ban
Trying to be more "green," San Francisco's Board of Supervisors has voted to become the first U.S. city to ban plastic bags from large supermarkets. In order to meet the expected demand for more paper bags, developers have chopped down the Redwood Forest.

Recession Fears
Despite inflation and mortgage concerns, Fed chief Ben Bernanke says the chances of recession remain "remote." That's because the Congressional Democrats have been so busy trying to stop the War in Iraq, they've forgotten to raise taxes.

Peretz Future
Israeli Labor Party leader Amir Peretz says he now wants to leave his post as defense minister and take over the treasury... where he plans to give all of Israel's money to Hezbollah.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Snow Cancer
White House spokesman Tony Snow announced today that his cancer had returned... infuriating the Edwards campaign who says it officially called "dibs" on cancer last week.

Iran "Offended"
U.N. spokespersons are criticizing the U.S. for its naval show of force in the Persian Gulf, saying it's sure to offend Iran. In fact, the Iranians are so offended by it that today they forgot to work on their secret plan to annihilate the world with nuclear weapons.

IRS Crackdown
The IRS is no longer going to consider most donations of used clothes as charitable deductions. So from now on, the only people interested Bill Clinton's old boxers are the folks in the prosecutor's office.

Ferrari Crash
Eddie Griffin crashed a rare Ferrari Enzo worth $1.5 million into a concrete barrier while practicing at a racetrack, destroying the car but escaping uninjured. Usually to waste that much money and come away unscathed you have to be a Congressman.

Anna Nicole's System
The coroner's report confirms Anna Nicole Smith had eight prescription drugs in her system; which means she probably died from having to get all the different physician referrals.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and! Here's the link: Newsday

Shiite Movement
Iraqi government officials say as many as 3,000 men have left Shiite cleric Moqtada al-Sadr's Mahdi Army to receive financing and training directly from Iran. It's all part of what al-Sadr calls the "terrorist semester abroad" program.

Edwards Stays In
Former Senator John Edwards announced his presidential campaign will go on today, despite his wife's cancer diagnosis. His terminal poll numbers haven't stopped him either.

Former Senator John Edwards announced his presidential campaign will go on today, despite his wife's cancer diagnosis. Democrats are also announcing their campaign to somehow blame the cancer on Ann Coulter.

View Debate
On the View this week, Rosie O'Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck revealed that they have been having a heated debate over the use of torture in the interrogation of terrorism suspects. And when it comes to torture, the folks on "The View" are definitely the experts.

Moral Center
Scientists say that damage to an area of the brain behind the forehead transforms the way people make moral judgments in life-or-death situations. It's yet another reason to whack the heads of anyone who works for the New York Times editorial page.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Rove Offer
President Bush has offered to let Karl Rove talk privately with committee members, but not under oath... which is strange since Rove has wanted to swear at Congressional Democrats for months now.

King of the Vatican
Boxing promoter Don King got a front row seat this week for a general audience with Pope Benedict XVI. King is hoping to arrange a 15-round bout between Benedict and the Dalai Lama.

Palestinian Newspaper
For the first time ever, a Palestinian newspaper is being sold at Israeli newsstands. As soon as you open it up, it explodes.

Palestinian Newspaper II
For the first time ever, a Palestinian newspaper is being sold at Israeli newsstands. It's called "The New York Times."

Woody's Dad Dies
Woody Harrelson's father has died in prison of a heart attack at the age of 69. The elder Harrelson was actually said to be in good condition until someone smuggled in a DVD of "Money Train" and showed in the inmate common area.

Lohan Interview
In an interview with Harper's Bazaar, Lindsay Lohan's mother Dina compared her daughter to Princess Diana, warning that if the paparazzi keep chasing her, she’ll end up dead too. Well, we can always hope.

Strange Bedfellow
A Wisconsin man received probation after he was convicted of having sex with a dead deer, but he will be evaluated as a sex offender and have to undergo treatment. It's not clear what doctors will treat first: his desire to have sex with animals, or his desire to have sex with dead animals.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Lost Scout Found
Searchers have found 12-year-old Boy Scout Michael Auberry, who had been missing from a camping trip for four days. Auberry can now return to his troop and resume being sexually abused by his Scout Master.

Clinton vs. Obama
The Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama campaigns are getting into a war of words over which one opposes the war in Iraq more. This will all become extremely important a few years from now when Islamic terrorists are trying to decide which one of them to behead first.

Grand Canyon Skywalk
The $30 million Grand Canyon Skywalk opened Tuesday. The structure was immediately used by four Mexican tourists to illegally enter the country.

Bush Assures Alberto
President Bush reaffirmed his "strong backing and support" for Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales in a telephone conversation with him this morning... but we only know that because the Democrats subpoenaed the White House phone records.

Mega Winners
A New Jersey couple has finally emerged as the other winners in a record Mega Millions lottery that will net them $88 million. But since they live in New Jersey, they'll have to spend most of that money on property taxes and car insurance.

Hermione Stays
Producers of the Harry Potter movies say actress Emma Watson will be back as Hermione for the final two movies. Despite the future movies' expected success, Democrats had been demanding that Watson withdraw by 2008.

Alzheimer's Report
A new report shows that the number of people in the U.S. who have Alzheimer's disease is 10% higher than previous nationwide estimates. Well, that explains why Hillary Clinton's campaign is getting so much support.

Mills Dances
During her first appearance on Dancing with the Stars, Heather Mills was complimented by a judge who said, "You've got more guts than Rambo." Incidentally, Rambo is actually Mills' divorce lawyer.

Rowing Invasion
Ukrainian border guards arrested Belarus' national rowing team Tuesday for illegally entering the country on a flotilla of eight boats. This is what happens when people watch too much of the movie "300."

Monday, March 19, 2007

CBS Internships
CBS News has launched a new internship application program called "Springboard," which asks college students to send in evidence of their "special talents"... like the ability to forge National Guard documents and then pack up a recently fired executive producer's desk in under 15 minutes.

Spector Trial
Record producer Phil Spector goes on trial for murder in Los Angeles today. Spector is also being sued in another L.A. court for illegally stealing his look from the people who make the Chia Pet.

Mars Ice
A spacecraft orbiting Mars has scanned huge deposits of water ice at its south pole so plentiful they would blanket the planet in 36 feet of water if they were liquid. But the people of Mars needn't worry; Al Gore is on the way.

Hooters in Israel
U.S. restaurant chain Hooters, known for waitresses in low-cut blouses and short skirts, will open its first branch in Tel Aviv this summer. In a landmark agreement, Arab terrorists and ultra Orthodox Jews have both agreed to bomb the restaurant within two weeks of its opening.

New Super Jumbo Jet
The world's largest passenger plane, the 555-seat Airbus A380, made its debut in the United States on Monday. The new jet is expected to set records for stranding the most people at departure gates for years to come.

Older Opposition
A new poll shows that a growing number of Americans over the age of 50 oppose the war in Iraq. But it's not clear if they're really against the war, or if they just want to get more use out of all those peace signs they made in the 60's.

Diplomatic Visit
Palestinian Authority prime minister Ismail Haniyeh received his first Western dignitary at his Gaza City headquarters Monday... and promptly kidnapped him.

Hitler Citizenship
In a symbolic gesture of national remorse, a German politician is seeking to officially revoke Adolf Hitler's German citizenship. But if the resolution passes, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has offered to immediately make Hitler a full citizen of Iran.

Ahmadinejad Trip
The U.S. government has granted a visa to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, allowing him to travel to New York next week... but only if he flies on JetBlue or U.S. Airways during a weekend snowstorm.

King Surgery
Larry King underwent vascular surgery Friday... a procedure medical ethicists are questioning because Larry King died about 7 years ago.