Friday, December 31, 2010

New Year's partiers in Chicago will be able to ride the trains and buses tonight for just one penny... but the catch is that they will have to clean up their own puke.

Maine Asks Out
The state of Maine is asking to be exempted from a key part of Obamacare... the part that doesn't give you free coverage when you freeze to death.

Ivy League Charity Push
Two Yale professors and one from Cornell are starting a movement calling on all "rich" people to donate more money to charity. In other words, they're raising tuition prices at Yale and Cornell.

Estate Tax Deadline
When the new year begins, the estate tax goes from 0% to a whopping 35% for multi-millionaires. Which means Paris Hilton's dogs have until midnight to maul her to death.

UConn Streak Ends
The UConn women's basketball team had its winning streak broken at 90 games last night after losing to Stanford. UConn falls 10 wins short of a 100-game streak and 1,000 wins shy of getting anyone to care about women's basketball.

December 31st

1225: The Ly Dynasty of Vietnam ends after 216 years after the death of Ly Chieu Hoang and a visit from Rambo.

1862: Abraham Lincoln signs an act that admits West Virginia to the Union, thus finally giving toothless Americans equal citizenship rights.

1951: The Marshall Plan expires after American taxpayers can no longer support helping people who wear Capezios.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

No Plowing
It turns out unionized sanitation workers deliberately didn't plow the city's streets in order to protest some layoffs. The only people in New York avoiding work more are playing for the New York Giants defense.

Medicare Explosion
Starting this Saturday, a new baby boomer will become eligible for Medicare every eight seconds... so every time a bell rings, you can be sure that a creepy guy with a combover is getting his Viagra.

Favre Fined
The NFL has fined Brett Favre $50,000 for not cooperating with its investigation of him for sexual harassment... and $100,000 for wearing crocs in public.

Jacko Defense
Defense lawyers for Dr. Conrad Murray will claim that Michael Jackson deliberately killed himself... not with drugs, but by doing the video for "Smooth Criminal."

Mass Mistake
The state of Massachusetts has announced strict new emissions limits. But state residents are sure to break those limits as millions of them get in their cars to drive the Hell out of Massachusetts.

December 30th

1066: A Muslim mob storms the royal palace in Granada, crucifies Jewish vizier Joseph ibn Naghrela and massacres most of the Jewish population of the city. Leftist scholars are still trying to figure out how peaceful Muslims got so angry about Israel almost 900 years before it was even founded.

1916: The last coronation in Hungary is performed for King Charles IV and Queen Zita. After them, all Hungarian kings and queens got their crowns in the mail.

1993: Israel and the Vatican establish diplomatic relations and form a pact to make everyone in the world feel guilty.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Blizzard Effects
Experts say the blizzard of 2010 will end up costing the airlines $150 million. In a related story, the new fee to check a second bag on US flights will now be $150 million.

Bank Failures
It's official: more American banks failed in 2010 than any year since 1992. U.S. banks hope to do better in 2011 by finding more Asian banks to cheat off of.

Rate Increases
Major US airlines have announced they are raising their rates. This way, they can buy more blankets and pillows they'll charge $10 each to use while you're stranded and sleeping on the airport floor.

Terror Granny
An Indiana grandmother is being investigated for a possible link to terror groups. The methods she used to kill Americans include excessive cheek-pinching and asphyxiating people with mothballs.

Murder Down
Murder rates continue to drop, and are now at 25-year lows across the country... mainly because more killers are starting to outsource their murders to China.

December 29th

1170: Thomas Becket, Archbishop of Canterbury, is assassinated inside Canterbury Cathedral by followers of King Henry II, and people who really thought his robes clashed with those shoes.

1813: British soldiers burn Buffalo, New York during the War of 1812. Since it was December, it looked better after the burning.

1998: Leaders of the Khmer Rouge apologize for the 1970s genocide in Cambodia, but are granted redemption when it turns out they’re pretty good players for the Philadelphia Eagles.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

December 28th

1612: Galileo Galilei becomes the first astronomer to observe the planet Neptune. Neptune then has Galileo arrested for breach of privacy.

1832: John C. Calhoun becomes the first Vice President of the United States to resign… but every Vice President since Calhoun has WANTED to resign from that crappy job.

1973: The Endangered Species Act is passed by Congress… helping to protect nearly extinct useless animals, like members of Congress.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

New York Snow
A massive snow storm has buried New York City under more than a foot of snow. It's so cold, even Rex Ryan's wife is covering her feet.

NFL Game Postponed
The East Coast blizzard was so bad, the Eagles-Vikings game was canceled last night. The decision was made after Eagles QB Michael Vick said he wouldn't even send a dog outside in that weather.

Medicaid Bonus
The Obama administration is now offering states Medicaid bonuses as a reward for getting more children health insurance... and they'll get an even bigger bonus is they start cutting off more old people.

Oregon Tax Hikes
The state of Oregon is jacking up its gas taxes by six more cents on January 1st. That means everyone will have to save up just to drive to the unemployment line.

Death Panel Returns
Starting January 1st, the Obama administration will start paying doctors to give patients “end of life counseling.” And a special bonus will be awarded to the doctor who successfully euthanizes Paris Hilton.

December 27th

537: The Hagia Sophia Cathedral is completed... two days after Christmas, and thus totally killing the business at the gift shop.

2001: China is granted permanent normal trade relations with the United States... that is, as soon as the Chinese find something made in the United States that they want to buy.

2002: The company Clonaid announces that it has successfully cloned a human being, although it has never presented any verifiable evidence other than K.D. Lange and Clay Aiken.

December 26th

1776: The British are defeated in the Battle of Trenton. But as a consolation, they are finally able to leave Trenton.

1793: The wedding of Prince Friedrich Ludwig of Prussia and Frederica of Mecklenburg-Strelitz takes place. Since it was the day after Christmas, everyone just re-gifted them.

1811: A theater fire in Richmond, Virginia kills the Governor of Virginia George William Smith and the president of the First National Bank of Virginia Abraham B. Venable. Everyone else had to sit through the whole damn play.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

December 25th

1000: Hungary is established as a Christian kingdom by Stephen I of Hungary. Yeah, sure... making your country Christian on Christmas Day, like that's a tough decision.

1868: President Andrew Johnson grants unconditional pardon to all Civil War Confederate soldiers... except for the ones who gave him a fruit cake for Christmas.

2009: "Underwear bomber" Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab unsuccessfully attempts a terrorist attack against the U.S., but successfully gives thousands of TSA employees an excuse to touch our junk forever.

Friday, December 24, 2010

December 24th

1294: Pope Boniface VIII is elected Pope, replacing St. Celestine V. So once again the final score, Boniface 8 Celestine 5.

1906: Reginald Fessenden transmits the first radio broadcast; consisting of a poetry reading, a violin solo, and of course, a Geico commercial.

1973: District of Columbia Home Rule Act is passed, allowing residents of Washington, D.C. to elect their own local liars, drunkards, and crack addicts.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

New Gardasil Use
The FDA has now approved using Gardasil to fight anal cancer. Previously, the best defense against the disease was not dating Ryan O'Neal.

UAW Moves
The UAW is planning to picket the non-union, foreign car plants operating in the U.S. In a separate move, the UAW is also helping dumb kids beat up the good students who ruin the curves in public schools.

Layoff Study
A new study shows that teacher layoffs that target newer teachers first hurt students the most... except for the students who stand a better chance of fighting off the sexual advances of the more elderly teachers.

Oakland Pot Delay
The City of Oakland has postponed its plans to start a large scale, industrial medical marijuana plant. It turns out no one working at a pot plant can stay focused for more than 15 minutes at a time.

Spider-Man Returns
Spider-Man on Broadway is reopening tonight pending some new safety measures, including Playbills that can be converted into a giant protective shield for the audience.

December 23rd

962: Byzantine troops storm the city of Aleppo… then suddenly realize that storming any city is kind of meaningless when toilet paper is still at least 800 years from being invented.

1783: George Washington resigns as commander-in-chief of the Continental Army in order to spend more time at home chasing female slaves.

2008: The Guinean military engineers a coup d'état, and announces that it plans to rule the country until a new presidential election… or the release of a new Grand Theft Auto video game, whichever comes first.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Scary Christmas?
The U.S. government is not issuing a terror warning this Christmas season. But there is an orange alert for everyone going anywhere near the Spider-Man show on Broadway.

L.A. Storms
The rain is coming down so hard in Los Angeles, that Robert Downey Jr. has started to build an ark to store all his drugs two-by-two.

Birthrate Falls
The U.S. teen birthrate is at the lowest level ever recorded... mostly because too many kids are obsession over "Twilight" and forgot to have sex.

UConn Record
The UConn women's basketball team has now won a record 89 games in a row. The Lady Huskies are playing so well, the New Jersey Nets have asked the NBA to promise they'll never have to play them.

Bank Break-Ins?
Bank of America is accused of illegally breaking into the homes of people who had been foreclosed. It's getting so bad, some people are actually starting to think of paying their mortgage bills.

December 22nd

69: Emperor Vitellius is captured and murdered, he is replaced by his extremely well-groomed brother, Vitalis.

1807: The Embargo Act, forbidding trade with all foreign countries, is passed by the U.S. Congress, at the urging of President Thomas Jefferson and the UAW.

1956: Colo is born, the first gorilla to be bred in captivity other than Rosie O’Donnell.

UN Evac
The UN building in New York has been evacuated because of a mysterious odor. That would be the stench of failure.

Net Neutrality
The FCC is looking to take more control of the Internet in the push for so-called "net neutrality." In other words, federal workers just want first crack at all the best porn sites.

California Smokers
The number of cigarette smokers in California continues to fall... mostly because unemployed people can't afford cigarettes.

Coaches Pay
The number of assistant college football coaches earning $250,000 or more per year is up 25% this year. Colleges are getting the money from the professors of the classes the football players aren't showing up to anyway.

New Government in Iraq
The Iraqi parliament has just approved new government... hopefully one that knows how to survive car bombings.

December 21st

1620: William Bradford and the Mayflower Pilgrims land on Plymouth Rock. The local Native Americans celebrate the arrival by inviting them to join their fantasy football league.

1937: Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs premieres at the Carthay Circle Theater. Half of the audience leaves dissappointedly when they realize it’s not a porn film.

1970: Elvis Presley and Richard Nixon meet in the White House. The Secret Service is barely able to save Nixon from being eaten.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Strange Results
Don't Ask, Don't Tell was repealed, but the Dream Act Failed. So, if you're an illegal immigrant, just start pretending you're gay.

Giants Choke
The NY Giants blew a 31-10 fourth quarter lead and lost to the Philadelphia Eagles, 38-31. The Giants mostly choked because they were afraid Eagles QB Michael Vick was going to euthanize them.

Iran Cutbacks
The Iranian government is cutting popular subsidies for gas and bread. If they start charging more for rocks to stone women, there will definitely be riots in Tehran.

Korea Quiet?
North Korea says it will not retaliate after South Korea’s live military drills. It turns out even North Korea is still shocked about the Giants massive choke yesterday against the Eagles.

DADT Repeal
The US Senate has finally voted to repeal Don't Ask, Don't Tell... mostly because about 30 of the Senators voting thought the bill was about what they do with their interns.

Terror Alerts
British police have arrested 12 people suspected of terrorism, illegal immigration, and being members of the NY Giants coaching staff.

December 20th

69: Vespasian, formerly a general under Nero, enters Rome to claim the title of emperor, and the Mega Millions jackpot.

1860: South Carolina becomes the first state to secede from the United States. South
Carolina hasn’t been the first do anything since.

2007: Queen Elizabeth II becomes the oldest queen in British history, surpassing Elton John.