Monday, December 12, 2011

Losing Fans
Movie audiences have shrunk to 10-year lows. Which means Hollywood can get away with continuing to remake all the movies we're not seeing now.

Obama Promise
President Obama is now promising that unemployment will be down to 8% by election day... and back up to 10% the days after when he and his whole administration are out of work.

Lowe's Move
Lowe's has stirred major controversy after pulling its commercials from a reality show about Muslims in America and there's talk of a boycott. This should really boost sales at Mosque Depot.

Tech experts say the iPad3 is coming out in February. That's just in time for all the geeky kids to recover from waiting in line for the latest "Twilight" movie.

Putin Protests
Anti-Putin protests are growing across Russia... otherwise known as "mass suicide."

December 12th

627: A Byzantine army under Emperor Heraclius defeats Emperor Khosrau II's Persian forces... but fails to cover the spread.

1098: The First Crusade's Massacre of Ma'arrat al-Numan – Crusaders breach the town's walls and massacre about 20,000 inhabitants. After finding themselves with insufficient food, they resort to cannibalism... but other than that, it was a really nice day.

1917: Father Edward J. Flanagan founds Boys Town as a farm village for wayward boys... and boys who would otherwise have gone to Penn State.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

December 11th

1282: Llywelyn the Last, the last native Prince of Wales, is killed at Cilmeri. He probably should have known something was up when he got the whole "the Last" name and all.

2001: The People's Republic of China joins the World Trade Organization... and immediately pirates all of its products.

2006: Felipe Calderon Hinojosa, the president of Mexico, launches a military-led offensive to put down the drug cartel violence in the state of Michoacan. Then all the troops take a break to get stoned.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

December 10th

1508: The League of Cambrai is formed by Pope Julius II, Louis XII of France, Maximilian I, Holy Roman Emperor and Ferdinand II of Aragon. Its stated purpose was to form an alliance against Venice, but it was really mostly about fantasy football.

1899: Delta Sigma Phi Fraternity is founded at the City College of New York. It immediately starts hazing pledges by forcing them to spend a week in New Jersey.

1902: Women are given the right to vote in Tasmania... in a desperate attempt to try to get some women to move to Tasmania.

Friday, December 09, 2011

December 9th

1905: In France, the law separating church and state is passed. It quickly becomes almost as popular as the law separating French people from deodorant.

1953: General Electric announces that all communist employees will be discharged from the company… they all later get jobs at GM.

1966: Barbados joins the United Nations. Just by coincidence, the UN schedules its December meetings in Barbados.

Wednesday, December 07, 2011

Pipeline Connection
Republicans are willing to extend the payroll tax holiday if President Obama stops blocking the heavy job-creating construction of the Keystone Pipeline. The President has strongly rejected the idea because he only wants Americans to get a payroll tax cut, he never said anything about getting them on a payroll.

Texting Law
Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood wants a national law against texting while driving. It turns out its really dangerous to text people about how drunk you are when you'r the FAA chief and driving on the wrong side of the road.

Corzine Testimony
Jon Corzine will appear before a Congressional committee looking into the collapse of his MF Global hedge fund. Corzine is expected to offer every member of the committee his usual offer: the truth or a new campaign donation.

Baldwin Sorry
Alec Baldwin is apologizing to his fellow passengers after he delayed an American Airlines flight Tuesday during a dispute with a stewardess. Apparently, Baldwin got upset when he was told he was too big to keep his ass as a carry on item.

Mars Old Water
Scientists have found new evidence of ancient water on Mars... it was something very old beings used to drink called "Perrier."

December 8th

1854: Pope Pius IX proclaims that the Virgin Mary was born free of original sin... and without a condom.

1916: The Brookings Institution, one of the United States' oldest think tanks, is founded. And as soon as they think of something, they'll let us know.

1987: Frank Vitkovic shoots and kills eight people at the Australia Post Office building in Melbourne, putting all of America's less deadly post office shooters to shame.

Tuesday, December 06, 2011

DC Jobs
The Washington, DC area's jobless rate remains much lower than the national numbers at 6.1%. Of course, the rate of people in Washington who are actually WORKING at their jobs is about 3.1%.

Online Spending
Consumers spent $18.7 billion online in the first month of the holiday season... mostly buying pepper spray to protect themselves for that one time they do have to step foot in the mall.

Newt in the Red
Newt Gingrich's campaign is $1.2 million in debt... which is about what it costs each month to get all his ex-wives to keep shutting up.

Citi Job Cuts
Citigroup is cutting 4,500 jobs. The bank is getting so understaffed, it's asking its top customers to make their own risky stupid investments.

Baldwin Booted
Alec Baldwin was booted from an American Airlines flight yesterday for not turning his cell phone off. Wait a minute, you mean there are still people who want to talk on the phone with Alec Baldwin?

December 7th

43 BC: Marcus Tullius Cicero is assassinated. His killers remain unknown because no one said nothing to the cops.

1965: Pope Paul VI and Patriarch Athenagoras simultaneously lift mutual excommunications against each other... and then finally announce that they are dating.

1988: Yasser Arafat recognizes the right of Israel to exist... so he can bomb it.

Monday, December 05, 2011

New Planet
Astronomers have discovered an Earth-like planet 600 light years away that appears to be able to sustain human life. Don't get too excited, it probably needs a bailout too.

New Planet II
Scientists have discovered an Earth-like planet 600 light years away that appears to be able to sustain human life. But astronomers aren't getting too excited, because they know the girls there probably won't want to date them either.

Cocoa Crash
Chocolate prices are down 42% from this time last year... Mostly because Jerry Sandusky is no longer allowed to give so much of it away.

Abortion Pills for All!
The FDA is considering putting the "morning after pill" on drug store and supermarket shelves as an over the counter item. And to make sure people buy it, A & P is going to stock in the Beer and Wine aisle.

Olympic Price Tag
Security for the London Olympics this summer is now expected to cost $1.6 billion. Most of that money will be spent to send all the soccer hooligans to France for two weeks.

December 6th

1790: The U.S. Congress moves from New York City to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania... mostly to cater to the growing Congressional "scum bag factor."

1933: U.S. federal judge John M. Woolsey rules that the James Joyce's novel Ulysses is not obscene... thus dooming millions of American 11th grade English students to read the book for generations to come.

1971: Pakistan severs diplomatic relations with India following a bad taxi accident on 45th and Madison.

Postal Cuts
The Post Office is set to announce major service cuts today... and since the details of these cuts are so vital, it's sending them to all the major newspapers via FedEx.

Yahoo! Blue
The Wall Street Journal reports that the 14,000 workers at Yahoo! are looking for other jobs. Morale is so low, even the exclamation point is applying for a gig at Facebook.

Volt Fix
GM is working feverishly to fix the defect in the Chevy Volt that could lead the car to burst into flames... otherwise known as when Volt owners set fire to that lemon so they can collect the insurance money.

Obama Demand
President Obama wants Americans to call your Congressman to demand he or she votes to keep the payroll tax cut in place. He also wants Americans to call Selena Gomez to see if she likes him.

Angry Wife
Police are looking for a Palm Springs woman who tried to sever her husband's penis with a scissors this weekend. Cops don't have a sketch of the suspect, but they say she answers to the alias, "Mrs. Herman Cain."

December 4th

63 BC: Cicero gives the fourth and final Catiline Orations... but unlike the first three, this one is not part of the final exam.

1776: At The College of William and Mary, Phi Beta Kappa is founded... and as soon as a William and Mary student is smart enough to qualify, it'll really be something.

2006: Commodore Frank Bainimarama overthrows the government in Fiji... shocking billions across the world who had no idea there even was a government in Fiji.

Sunday, December 04, 2011

December 4th

1783: At Fraunces Tavern in New York City, US General George Washington formally bids his officers farewell... then he tragically loses all their email addresses.

1943: President Franklin D. Roosevelt closes down the Works Progress Administration, because of the high levels of wartime employment. This marks the last time a government program that had lost all usefulness was actually shut down.

1991: Pan Am goes bankrupt and ceases operations. It's been 20 years and still no one has the heart to tell all the Pan Am passengers stuck at JFK gate 33.

Friday, December 02, 2011

December 3rd

1927: Putting Pants on Philip, the first Laurel and Hardy film, is released. The sequel, Taking Pants off Philip, came out in 1977 and was an entirely different kind of film.

1976: An assassination attempt is made on Bob Marley. He is shot twice, but the bullets become lost forever somewhere in his dreads.

1992: An engineer for Sema Group uses a personal computer to send the world's first text message. It is the first and last text message not to contain the terms "OMG" or "LOL."

Thursday, December 01, 2011

iPhone Controversy
Pro Choice activisits are enraged because the "Siri" feature on the new iPhone will not tell you where the nearest abortion clinic is. They're also angry because instead, Siri tells male users to "try a condom next time" and female users to "stop being such a skank."

American Bankruptcy
It turns out bankrupt American Airlines's creditors may only get 10 cents on the dollar on a $30 billion in debt... and to get to those payments the bill collectors will first have to change at O'Hare.

Volt Buyback
GM is offering to buy back the Chevy Volt from anyone who is worried the car may have safety issues. But first GM is going to need to find someone to buy the chevy volt.

A La Carte Internet
Several cable companies are now planning to eliminate monthly internet fees and charge everybody based on how much data and video they download. This can only mean one thing: people are going to start buying porn magazines again!

Chinese Protests
Massive protests continue to occur at several Chinese factories. The workers want their pay doubled to 4 cents a day.

December 2nd

1848: Franz Josef I becomes Emperor of Austria... beating out the other three finalists who got fewer votes on Facebook and Twitter.

1939: New York City's La Guardia Airport opens. The airport's first customers are still looking for parking.

1988: Benazir Bhutto is sworn in as Prime Minister of Pakistan, becoming the first woman in that nation to stand before large crowds for reasons other than just getting stoned to death.