Friday, May 28, 2004

World War II Memorial
It will be an historic moment this weekend when thousands of veterans come to the nation's capitol to dedicate the World War II Memorial. The only other place to see that many men over 80 in Washington is the U.S. Senate.

Kobe Stars
Kobe Bryant scored a key "triple-double" in last night's playoff win for the Lakers. He scored 31 points, snared 11 rebounds, and had his lawyers suppress 10 pieces of DNA evidence in his rape case.

Clinton on Kerry
Former President Bill Clinton says he thinks John Kerry is running an excellent campaign so far. Mostly because Kerry's been running for six months and he hasn't even sexually harassed one woman yet!

Upfront Flops
Top rejected pilots at this week's network TV fall preview presentations:

A nation addicted to fuel...
50 million desperate SUV owners...
One man with the guts to put the crud in his hair up for sale...
This fall on ABC...
"Lorenzo Lamas' Oil"

25 women looking for something really special...
The perfect man who has exactly what they need...
The reality show that's more cut-throat than "The Apprentice"...
More death-defying than "Fear Factor"...
And with a lot more on the line than just love...
This fall on FOX it's...
"Win My Kidney!"

In New York City, alternate side of the street parking laws are the most feared and enforced rules on the road.
Those rules are enforced by a lethargic and dim-witted group of officers, and the rejects who couldn't get a job in the District Attorney's Office...
Sunday nights on NBC...
"Law and Order: Parking Violations Unit"

His "Friends" have gone their separate ways...
Now, he struggles to go it alone in the big city...
Thursdays after "Joey" on NBC it's...

The Sexy world of gambling...
The men charged with security & surveillance...
Sunday night's after "Las Vegas" it's...
"Church Bingo Bouncers"

Thursday, May 27, 2004

NEWSDAY ALERT!!! Newsday's "Punchlines" column published TWO of my jokes today. Here's the link: Newsday

Nixon Drunk
The newly-declassified Kissinger tapes show President Nixon was regularly drunk while the White House dealt with the 1973 Arab-Israeli war. So while Nixon started to drink because of a war, President Bush started a war because he needed a drink.

Kerry Decision
Despite the advantages it would have given him in campaign spending, John Kerry has decided not to delay accepting his inevitable nomination at the Democratic National Convention next month. Luckily for Kerry, he still gets to take in new campaign donations by delaying his inevitable defeat until November.

Cosby Comments
Bill Cosby is attacking lower-income Black parents for allowing their kids to waste money and not speak English correctly. But the NAACP says Cosby should be ashamed to compare so many African-Americans with the Bush family.

Queens Olympics
Mayor Bloomberg says if New York City gets the 2012 Olympics, the city will build an Olympic village in Queens. The U.S. athletes dorming in the facility will represent the largest number of Americans living in Queens since 1964.

Bryant Park Poop
Workers are installing a series of wires in New York's Bryant Park to discourage the many pigeons from continuing to poop in the area. Sadly, there's still no device in place to stop the many humans who use the park for the same reason.

Landlord Assault
A New York City man took the stand yesterday to describe how a man tried to murder him to get his $400-a-month rent-controlled apartment. But the judge had to call a mistrial when all the attorneys and jurors rushed out of the courtroom hoping it wasn't too late to rent the place for themselves.

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

Terror Alert
The Department of Homeland Security warns that terrorists may try to attack the Democratic and Republican National Conventions this summer. But Al Qaeda is denying that claim, reminding everyone that it only attacks targets Americans actually care about.

No Subway Pics
In hopes of thwarting terrorist attack planning, New York City is banning people from taking pictures or videos on the subway. But experts say once they see the condition of most subway stations, the terrorists will likely move on to a target where they can still do some noticeable damage.

Love Plea
Courtney Love pleaded guilty to drug charges yesterday and agreed to a rehab program that will include counseling, random drug testing, and an appearance on "Extreme Makeover."

NY Times Admission
The New York Times is now admitting that many of its stories about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq were based on interviews with questionable subjects. The paper's editors say they should have been more careful with the informants, "especially since one or two of them looked a lot like Jayson Blair."

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

Shrek 2 Box Office
"Shrek 2" took in more than $125 million over the weekend. There won't be that many people watching an ogre and jackass until the Kerry-Bush debates.

Handover Plan
Despite his speech last night on Iraq, skepticism is growing about President Bush's plan to hand over power by June 30th. But the way the latest polls are going, experts say the Bush Administration will indeed hand over power... on January 20th.

Prison Demolition
During the speech last night, President Bush promised to have Abu Ghraib prison demolished. By doing so, the administration is hoping to destroy a symbol of abuse, show the Iraqis the U.S. can bring positive change, and give Halliburton another sweet demolition contract.

War Plans
President Bush continues to face heavy criticism for his handling of the situation in Iraq. But John Kerry insists he has a solid plan to end the fighting... in Vietnam.

IVF Baby
Doctors say they've broken a record by successfully impregnating a woman with sperm that was originally frozen in 1981. The pregnancy was a complete success, other than the fact that the baby only wants to hear music by Journey and REO Speedwagon.

Monday, May 24, 2004

Chalabi Charges
The U.S. is still investigating charges that former Pentagon darling Ahmed Chalabi was really a spy for Iran. Top U.S. secrets Chalabi is accused of sending to Tehran:

-Donald Rumsfeld really likes his men to wear nice clothes, use satin comforters, and hold him all night

-Don't do any interviews with Michael Moore

-The Halliburton unlimited government credit card account number is 547-053-6321, and the expiration date is Jan. 20th 2005

-Keep all your messages to President Bush to one page or less... ah, that's a waste of time too... just send them all to Cheney

-If you really want to defeat the U.S. Army, just give all the soldiers a digital camera.

Jackson Bail
California prosecutors are opposing a move to reduce Michael Jackson's bail, arguing the performer might become a fugitive and live comfortably in places like Mexico or Monte Carlo. But experts say until they build a few "Chuck E. Cheese" franchises abroad, Jackson is not likely to be comfortable anywhere other than the U.S.

David Restored
The year-long cleaning of Michelangelo's "David" is finally complete. It's the most work to restore nude male beauty since Russell Crowe had a colonic and a full-body wax.

China Baseball
China's first professional baseball league is now in its second season, but the quality of play is still not anywhere near the U.S. Experts say the biggest problem is that pirated Chinese steroids just aren't as good as the real thing.

Friday, May 21, 2004

"Shrek 2" Opens
"Shrek 2" raked in a record $11.8 million on its opening day. It's the most money an ogre has made in Hollywood since Michael Eisner gave himself his last pay raise.

Pelosi Stops Short
House Democrat Nancy Pelosi blasted President Bush's Iraq policy again today, but stopped short of calling him incompetent. Aides say she didn't want to give America's growing number of incompetent voters any more reasons to identify with the President than they already do.

Iraq Shocker: Insurgents Love Fox News

"All their Crap Really Gets Us Going," says one militia leader

(Najaf, Iraq) A Nielsen survey of viewing trends among Iraqi terrorists and insurgents shows more of them tune in to the conservative Fox News Channel than CNN or Al Jazeera combined.

"In the key 15-25 year old would-be suicide bomber/terrorist demo, Fox just blows everyone away... no pun intended," said Nielsen said Susan D. Whiting, president and CEO of Nielsen Media Research.

"Getting my guys to wake up early in the morning and do a suicide bombing isn't as easy as it looks... sometimes they're just not motivated. But then the satellite feed comes in from Fox News, and I get motivation all over the place," said Shiite insurgent leader Mohammed al Sadr, "I mean you can't watch that network for more than 2 minutes before they're calling my people 'thugs,' 'blood-thirsty,' and 'cowards,' you can't beat that for stirring the cauldron of hate my friend," he added.

Al Qaida leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi also had high praise for Fox.

"I love how that Bill O'Reilly gestures to cut off a guest's mic when he disagrees with him! To tell you the truth that's exactly how we do most of our beheadings... but we're a little nicer," Zarqawi said. "We don't miss 'The O'Reilly Factor' for anything. Don't let this get out, but if Americans are looking to stay safe in Iraq, going out during his show is a good idea; you can't tear us away from the tube for the whole hour," Zarqawi added.

Other terror ringleaders were less willing to praise Fox News than they were critical of the competition.

"We try watching CNN once in a while, but then that Aaron Brown comes on with that ridiculous phony hair or Daryn Kagen gets nailed by the Howard Stern phony phone callers, and all my guys want to do is laugh and enjoy life," said former Ba'ath party leader Ezzat Ibrahim, "and that's not exactly conducive to the whole suicide bombing thing, you know."

Al Sadr added another criticism.

"CNN's whole, 'let's try to be fair and sort out the facts first' approach is so lame," he said. "No wonder they're getting their asses kicked in the ratings."

Thursday, May 20, 2004

Playboy Lawsuit
A 54-year old former editor at Playboy says he was fired because the magazine wasn't interested in any of its employees once they passed the age of 25. But Playboy insists that's only its policy for models, not the editorial staff.

Chalabi Raid
U.S. troops raided the home of Iraqi Governing Council member Ahmed Chalabi today and called him a "slave." The Pentagon is looking into the incident, and reminding all soldiers that since he's getting paid for his services, Chalabi's proper title is "stooge."

Krispy Kreme Suit
Shareholders of Krispy Kreme Donuts say the company exaggerated its financial reports and are now suing the company. Other things shareholders say they were misled about:

-Sprinkles on donuts not exactly "98% Rat Dropping-Free" like advertising promised

-"Krispy" and "Kreme" not actually spelled with a "K"

-Customers not told eating donuts will make their asses sag faster than company stock price

-Atkins dieters actually encouraged to lick glaze off donuts, put rest back behind the counter

-Damn sugary donuts harder to kick than Heroin

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Bush Daughters
Now that they're finished with school, President Bush's twin daughters will work full-time for their father's campaign... proving the economy is so bad that even the president's daughters can't get a real job.

Perfect Game
40-year old Randy Johnson pitched a perfect game for the Arizona Diamondbacks last night. That means there were no hits, no runs, no errors, nor any evidence he's on steroids.

Morning After Pill
Canada is moving to make the "morning-after" birth control pill available without a prescription in every part of the country. But to work, there has to be someone in Canada worth having sex with.

9/11 Panel Urges Full Evacuation from New York City

"There's Just Too Many People Here!" Commissioners Warn

(New York) After hearing countless stories of the city's communication problems and other difficulties in responding to terror attacks, the 9/11 Commission is calling for the immediate evacuation of all of New York City.

"I've only been living here for three years, but this city is really crowded, I mean it just dawned on me after all these hearings that terrorists would be able to kill lots more people if they just kept targeting New York," said panel member Bob Kerrey, "so the other commissioners and I think it's time we take the temptation away from the extremists and just get everybody out of here," he added.

"Once we get all the people out, I can almost completely guarantee my people will be able to react better to a crisis," said New York City police commissioner Ray Kelly.

Commission chairman Thomas Kean added another reason for an evacuation.

"It looks like we're about to cut and run from Iraq, and how many Americans are there, like 200,000, tops? We've got almost 10 million people in and out of this place every day, and some of them aren't even armed. I say we all get out while we still can," Kean insisted.

Former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani called the idea "interesting" and suggested testing the plan by first evicting all homeless people and street vendors from the city in time for the Republican National Convention in August.

At first, the commission suggested evacuating just Manhattan, Brooklyn, Queens and The Bronx because of specific terror targets in each of those boroughs. But eventually, the panel members included Staten Island after they realized everyone there would be better off elsewhere even without any terror threats.

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

Disability Decision
The Supreme Court ruled yesterday that Americans with disabilities deserve full access and accommodation at all government buildings in all states. This is a follow-up to its decision in 2000 that gave a mentally disabled person full access to the Oval Office for four years.

Prisoner Abuse Report
A New Yorker magazine report says the Bush administration decided right after 9/11 to order the Defense Department to violate the Geneva Convention while interrogating enemies. But the Pentagon is denying that report, insisting it was actually told to do that right after the 2000 election.

Gandhi Declines
Despite her party's clear win in parliamentary elections last week, Sophia Gandhi now says she will not serve as Prime Minister of India. Like most Indians with her level of education, she's taking the higher-paying job at the Dell Computer call center in Bangalore instead.

Dean & Kerry Express
John Kerry is focusing on healthcare today as he campaigns with former rival Howard Dean. Dean will make some speeches, but more importantly he'll serve as a stark example of what can happen when you can't afford to buy prescription psychiatric drugs.

Monday, May 17, 2004

Bush Education
President Bush marks two major milestones in education today. He'll go to Kansas to honor the 50th anniversary of Brown vs. Board of Education, because it was that decision that made it possible for Black people to attend integrated public schools. Then he'll attend a campaign fundraiser, because it was big donations that made it possible for rich dumb kids like him to attend Yale.

Massachusetts Gay Marriage
Thousands of Gay couples are lining up outside county offices in Massachusetts today. Although it's not clear whether they're hoping to get marriage licenses or trying to get a starring role in President Bush's most effective negative campaign ad.

Baghdad Blast
Investigators at today's suicide bombing in Baghdad say there was evidence that a deadly substance left over from the mid-1980's was used. That set off worries that poison gas may be involved, but it turned out to be just a Depeche Mode mix tape.

Friday, May 14, 2004

Rumsfeld Visit
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld made a surprise trip to Iraq yesterday. After assessing his situation here in the U.S., Rumsfeld realized he was safer in Iraq.

Rumsfeld Visit II
While on his visit to Iraq, Rumsfeld said he wasn't there to "throw water on a fire." But he did say he would look into throwing some COLD water on a few prison guards.

Abuse Video
According to Senators who saw the unreleased Iraqi abuse material, Private Lynndie England is seen in photos and in videos having sex with multiple partners in front of the prisoners. The senators are moving quickly to bar that footage from being released, while still getting England an internship on Capitol Hill by this summer.

"The View" Spat
Rosie O'Donnell got into a shouting match with Star Jones on "The View" this week after O'Donnell said O.J. Simpson and Jayson Williams got off because Black people were on their juries. Racial rift aside, viewers were moved that the two women were finally fighting over something other than who gets the last Cheeto.

Thursday, May 13, 2004

Newsday Alert!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday. Here's the link: Newsday

J. Lo Heroin
Manhattan cops say they're finding a new brand of heroin the gangs are calling "J. Lo," after Jennifer Lopez. They call it that because like Lopez's music, the drug hurts when it first enters your head, but then it just leaves you numb.

Pam Anderson's Citizenship
Vancouver native Pamela Anderson became a dual Canadian-American citizen yesterday. Anderson made the decision so she could still live in California while her breasts continue to get free medical care in Canada.

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

Abuse Explanation
Army general Antonio Taguba says the prisoner abuse in Iraq resulted from a "failure of leadership, a lack of discipline, no training whatsoever and no supervision." But the White House angrily replied saying President Bush is being supervised and is getting more on-the-job training everyday.

Rush Explains it All
Rush Limbaugh is calling the prisoner abuse in Iraq "nothing worse than a fraternity prank." Experts say he may be right, but since Rush never went to college, it's hard to know what the hell kind of fraternity he's talking about.

Powell Mission
Because of the abuse scandal, President Bush is beginning some diplomatic damage-control by sending Secretary of State Colin Powel to Jordan to deal with Arab nations. That's typical, a rich White dude makes a mess and all he can do is call a Black man to go clean it up.

Bush Unveils Foolproof "Hey, I Just Work Here!" Campaign Slogan

(Akron, Ohio) Hoping to cash-in on his folksy appeal and deflect criticism for some of his policies, President Bush's campaign bus is now emblazoned with the new slogan, "Hey, I Just Work Here!"

Campaign strategist Karl Rove explained the thinking behind the new tactic.

"At first we tried to cover up the fact that the President was basically controlled by guys like Cheney, Rumsfeld and me, but now we feel like we can cash in the fact that he's doing his best while other guys are just manipulating him," Rove said.

Mr. Bush unveiled the new slogan at a rally here in Akron yesterday.

"The economy is in the dumpster, gas prices are at record highs, and our boys are getting picked off in Iraq like fish in a barrel... but hey, I just work here," said the President as he began his address.

After a few minutes the assembled crowd caught on, waiting for the pauses after Mr. Bush stated each policy failure and began chanting, "hey I just work here" in excited tones.

Leading political scientists believe the President's new campaign strategy could be a big winner.

"Look, most Americans are working for one kind of failing company or another, either financially or ethically," said Prof. Robert Shapiro of Columbia University, "now they'll be able to see President Bush as an unlucky 'average working stiff' like themselves who have to do what their incompetent and immoral superiors tell them to do."

The Bush campaign is also planning to try some other possibly winning slogans like "Nobody Saw Me Do It," and "I'll be with You in a Minute."

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

Nancy Reagan Speech
Former First Lady Nancy Reagan is now voicing her strong support for stem cell and human embryonic research, currently opposed by the Bush administration. President Bush isn't opposed to the research because of any ethical reasons, it's just that he doesn't want to have to learn how to pronounce "embryonic."

Pitt Fashion Statement
Brad Pitt says his new movie "Troy" will start a new fashion trend that will have "men wearing Greek-style skirts by next summer." Experts say thousands of American men will indeed be wearing skirts next year, but only because they'll be trying to avoid the draft.

Kobe Problems
The stress of being in the NBA playoffs and fighting a rape charge at the same time is taking its toll on Kobe Bryant. After he was called for a foul Sunday, the game was delayed for an hour while he tried to file an appeal.

Stroke Vote
A 74 year-old Indiana woman who began suffering a stroke, insisted on casting her ballot in a local primary last week before going to the hospital. The incident was highly unusual since politicians usually don't start messing with your brain until AFTER you've voted for them.

Monday, May 10, 2004

More Pictures to Come
With the U.S. reputation already in tatters around the world, a divided and hurting nation is bracing itself for more shocking and embarrassing pictures to be released... but enough about the next episode of "Extreme Makeover."

No Communion
The Catholic Church is now excluding pro-choice Catholic politicians from taking Communion. The decision is having a profound effect, especially on thousands of Catholic school kids who are becoming pro-choice so they can skip Mass too.

Grasso Demand
Former New York Stock Exchange chief Dick Grasso says he may return up to 48 million dollars worth of his controversial 188 million dollar severance package if prosecutors and the media will apologize for "ruining his reputation and his life"... because we all know how hard it is to get respect and be treated well when you have 188 million dollars.

Friday, May 07, 2004

Picasso Auctioned
Pablo Picasso's "Boy with a Pipe," sold for a record-breaking 104 million dollars when it was auctioned at Sotheby's this week. The buyer was Michael Jackson... who was extremely disappointed when he found out it was just a painting.

Bush Apologizes
In an interview with Arab TV stations earlier this week, President Bush said the difference between him and Saddam Hussein is that "a dictator wouldn't be answering questions about this in a TV interview." Most Arabs agree, but they also point out that when Saddam did interviews he spoke English a lot more clearly and correctly.

FOX Responds
In response to Nightline's program last Friday that read the names of all U.S. soldiers who have died in Iraq, Fox News Sunday will list the accomplishments of US troops. The list will include ousting Saddam Hussein, rebuilding the infrastructure, and teaching dozens of Iraqi prisoners to overcome their inhibitions and try gay sex.

Bush Graduation
President Bush and first lady Laura Bush will not attend the graduation ceremonies of their daughter Barbara at Yale University next month. The White House says it's to avoid security concerns, but insiders say Mr. Bush just wants avoid some of his old Yale professors who are still waiting for him to hand in his term papers.

Kids and Prayer
A new survey finds that 86 percent of teenagers pray, especially during final exams... and that 91 percent of those kids believe their prayers are answered... but that's only because of social promotion.

Thursday, May 06, 2004

NEWSDAY ALERT!!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday. Here's the link: Newsday

Friends Finale
After tonight's "Friends" finale, fans are wondering how to fill the void. But this fall, viewers will get plenty of those dim-witted comments and humor the "Joey" character made so popular... not on the new spin-off "Joey," but during the presidential debates.

Detroit ER Promise
A hospital in Detroit is promising emergency room patients they will be seen by a doctor in less than a half hour, and anyone who isn't will get tickets to a Detroit Tigers game. This represents a big change for the medical industry, as people don't usually need a doctor's care until after they've attended a Detroit Tigers game.

Moore-Kutcher Wed?
In Touch magazine says Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher were secretly married at a Kabbalah retreat over the Jewish Passover holiday. But Moore says she didn't really become a Jew to marry Kutcher, she just did it to "punk" him into getting circumcised.

Porn Shutdown
With four actors testing positive for HIV, the three leading adult film studios have been shut down since April. While some worry the industry will lose money, others believe the 2,500 movies those studios released from January through March will probably tide fans over for a while longer.

Bush First Learns of Iraq Casualties, Blasts Rumsfeld
"I authorized a war, but no one told me anyone would die," President fumes

(Washington) President Bush has told Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld he is "not happy" that he learned about American soldiers and other people dying in Iraq only this week after watching the reports on "60 Minutes II"

"I should have been told earlier, especially by my aides who I entrust with reading the newspapers for me," said an angry President Bush at the Oval Office yesterday.

An internal report by the Defense Department determined weeks ago that U.S. troops had indeed been killed beginning with the start of the invasion last March. The Pentagon now says there is even some evidence that a number of American and Iraqi civilians have also been killed in recent months.

A contrite Rumsfeld says he apologized to the president, but insisted he just didn't want to upset the chief executive at such a sensitive time.

"He was having so much fun getting into that flight suit, I just couldn't tell him," Rumsfeld told the news media after his meeting with the president, "I was going to tell him about six weeks ago, but then he was working on those hilarious WMD jokes for the Washington correspondents' dinner and it just didn't seem like the right time," he added.

Rumsfeld also admitted that the Defense Department's long-standing policy of not allowing pictures of American coffins to be taken was meant primarily not to upset the president.

"Even after they finally were published, we just told him they were big coolers filled with goodies sent back home by our troops," Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz said, "he bought that for awhile until he happened to catch the truth while watching ABC News last month, I guess we forgot to put that station on the child channel-blocker in his bedroom," he added.

Despite the coordinated effort to keep Mr. Bush uninformed, some journalists were incredulous that the president didn't know people were dying with all the explosions and shooting that even he saw regularly.

"They told me we were using those 'knock-out' bullets and stuff, I saw that once on a really good 'Mission Impossible' episode," the president explained.

Wednesday, May 05, 2004

Disney Blocks Moore
Disney may not distribute Michael Moore's new film "Fahrenheit 9/11," which blasts President Bush. Insiders say when he heard the movie was about an ineffectual leader who mysteriously stays in power, CEO Michael Eisner naturally thought it was about him.

Bush Apology
After hearing a report which said the treatment of Iraqi prisoners was filled with "blatant and wanton criminal abuses," President Bush is ready to express his regrets to the Arab people. But first, Bush thinks he should also apologize to the Chinese government for the uncalled for attacks on wontons.

Abuse Punishment
The President is moving quickly to make sure the soldiers responsible for the abuse are punished. First, they will have their cameras confiscated.

Lennon-Jagger Dating
Mick Jagger's daughter Elizabeth is now dating John Lennon’s son Sean. Doctors say if the couple has a child, it will be born with an immunity to every drug and venereal disease known to man.

Spears Tattoo
Fans have noticed that Britney Spears' new Kabbalah-inspired Hebrew tattoo actually has the letters reversed, making it meaningless. It's proof once again of how hard it is to find a tattoo artist who graduated from a decent Hebrew School.

Horror Channel
A new horror cable network called "The Scream Channel" is being planned that will be dedicated to scaring viewers with fictional and gory thrillers. But the launch of the new station is being delayed while the Fox News Channel sues for copyright infringement.

Tuesday, May 04, 2004

Overweight Bullies
A new study shows that overweight adolescents are more likely than normal weight children to be victims of bullies, or themselves be bullies... And in a related story, a defiant Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon says he will not resign despite the humiliating rejection of his Gaza withdrawal plan.

Bush Campaign Tour
President Bush is traveling by bus through the economically hard-hit states of Michigan and Ohio. When he steps off the bus, the first thing Mr. Bush does is take off his suit coat to blend in better with the crowd, cool off, and hide the fact that it was made in Malaysia.

Bush Promises
Top Promises President Bush is making to unemployed workers during his bus tour of Michigan and Ohio:

-Will waive all airfare taxes as they go to look for work in India

-Tells them he thinks has a buddy at Halliburton who can "hook them up"

-Homeless voters can use the campaign bus bathroom for 5 minutes (*first 1,000 people only)

-Free rides to the local horse track

-Government surplus cheese for everyone!

Prisoner Abuse
Seven US soldiers have now been reprimanded in connection with the alleged abuse of Iraqi prisoners at Baghdad’s Abu Gharib prison. The text of the reprimand includes the sentence: "If we've told you once, we've told you a thousand times, if you're gonna abuse prisoners, DON'T take any pictures!"

Prisoner Abuse II
In an attempt to contain the controversy over the abuse, General Richard Myers told the news media that the misbehavior was an aberration, carried out by a fraction of the 135,000 US troops in the country. Myers insisted all the other troops are smart enough not to take any pictures.

Monday, May 03, 2004

American Hostage Escapes
Thomas Hamill was able to escape his Iraqi captors this weekend thanks to his quick thinking, willingness to sacrifice, and the knowledge that if he missed one more day of work, Halliburton would outsource his job to India.

American Hostage Escapes II
Experts believe the Mississippi native Hamill was able to get his kidnappers to take pity on him by proving they had a lot in common... for example, they were all forced to marry their cousins.

No Panda Mating
The National Zoo says its efforts to mate a 5-year old female panda and a 6-year old male panda have failed again this year. Experts say that if the Zoo really wants to find out how to sexually entice a 6-year old male, it will just have to call in Michael Jackson.