Abuse Explanation
Army general Antonio Taguba says the prisoner abuse in Iraq resulted from a "failure of leadership, a lack of discipline, no training whatsoever and no supervision." But the White House angrily replied saying President Bush is being supervised and is getting more on-the-job training everyday.

Rush Explains it All
Rush Limbaugh is calling the prisoner abuse in Iraq "nothing worse than a fraternity prank." Experts say he may be right, but since Rush never went to college, it's hard to know what the hell kind of fraternity he's talking about.

Powell Mission
Because of the abuse scandal, President Bush is beginning some diplomatic damage-control by sending Secretary of State Colin Powel to Jordan to deal with Arab nations. That's typical, a rich White dude makes a mess and all he can do is call a Black man to go clean it up.


Bush Unveils Foolproof "Hey, I Just Work Here!" Campaign Slogan

(Akron, Ohio) Hoping to cash-in on his folksy appeal and deflect criticism for some of his policies, President Bush's campaign bus is now emblazoned with the new slogan, "Hey, I Just Work Here!"

Campaign strategist Karl Rove explained the thinking behind the new tactic.

"At first we tried to cover up the fact that the President was basically controlled by guys like Cheney, Rumsfeld and me, but now we feel like we can cash in the fact that he's doing his best while other guys are just manipulating him," Rove said.

Mr. Bush unveiled the new slogan at a rally here in Akron yesterday.

"The economy is in the dumpster, gas prices are at record highs, and our boys are getting picked off in Iraq like fish in a barrel... but hey, I just work here," said the President as he began his address.

After a few minutes the assembled crowd caught on, waiting for the pauses after Mr. Bush stated each policy failure and began chanting, "hey I just work here" in excited tones.

Leading political scientists believe the President's new campaign strategy could be a big winner.

"Look, most Americans are working for one kind of failing company or another, either financially or ethically," said Prof. Robert Shapiro of Columbia University, "now they'll be able to see President Bush as an unlucky 'average working stiff' like themselves who have to do what their incompetent and immoral superiors tell them to do."

The Bush campaign is also planning to try some other possibly winning slogans like "Nobody Saw Me Do It," and "I'll be with You in a Minute."