Overweight Bullies
A new study shows that overweight adolescents are more likely than normal weight children to be victims of bullies, or themselves be bullies... And in a related story, a defiant Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon says he will not resign despite the humiliating rejection of his Gaza withdrawal plan.

Bush Campaign Tour
President Bush is traveling by bus through the economically hard-hit states of Michigan and Ohio. When he steps off the bus, the first thing Mr. Bush does is take off his suit coat to blend in better with the crowd, cool off, and hide the fact that it was made in Malaysia.

Bush Promises
Top Promises President Bush is making to unemployed workers during his bus tour of Michigan and Ohio:

-Will waive all airfare taxes as they go to look for work in India

-Tells them he thinks has a buddy at Halliburton who can "hook them up"

-Homeless voters can use the campaign bus bathroom for 5 minutes (*first 1,000 people only)

-Free rides to the local horse track

-Government surplus cheese for everyone!

Prisoner Abuse
Seven US soldiers have now been reprimanded in connection with the alleged abuse of Iraqi prisoners at Baghdad’s Abu Gharib prison. The text of the reprimand includes the sentence: "If we've told you once, we've told you a thousand times, if you're gonna abuse prisoners, DON'T take any pictures!"

Prisoner Abuse II
In an attempt to contain the controversy over the abuse, General Richard Myers told the news media that the misbehavior was an aberration, carried out by a fraction of the 135,000 US troops in the country. Myers insisted all the other troops are smart enough not to take any pictures.