NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday! Here's the link: Newsday



9/11 Hearing
President Bush and Vice President Cheney will face questions from the 9/11 Commission today in a closed hearing. But even though they won't be under oath and the public won't even get to see a transcript, Bush and Cheney still promise to keep lying about everything anyway.

Ski Lodge Guns
The Army is demanding the return of five howitzers it lent to two Nevada ski resorts to prevent avalanches, because it needs the weapons in Iraq and Afghanistan. But the NRA is warning that if the government disarms all the good ski resorts, only the outlaw ski resorts will have guns.

US Troops in Iraq
The Bush administration now says that even after it turns over political control to the Iraqis on June 30, the U.S. will retain military control so the Iraqi people stay in line. By the same reasoning, the White House will be sending national guard troops to Florida on election day.

Khadafy Returns
Libyan leader Moammar Khadafy visited Europe this week for the first time in 15 years. Khadafy was forced to notice shocking changes on the continent like the economic improvements created by the E.U., the rising number of Arabs living there, and the fact that the "Pet Shop Boys" are no longer hot at all.