NEWSDAY ALERT!!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in Newsday today with a nice illustration to go along with my joke! Here's the link: Newsday


April 15th
Americans are reluctantly forking over thousands of dollars today, not because they want to, but because the alternative is just too horrible to think about... but enough about the Bush campaign fundraisers.

Osama Offer
In a new audio tape, Osama bin Laden is offering to halt all terrorist attacks against Europeans if they pull out of Iraq and other Muslim countries. Top reasons he's making the offer to cut back:

-Been looking to turn over a new leaf since seeing "The Passion" last weekend

-Doesn't want tonight's finale of "The Apprentice" to get pre-empted for anything

-Needs to downsize his terrorist payroll to meet '04 earnings projections

-Totally impressed by how Europeans hate Jews even more than he does

-Finally realized no one really cares when Europeans get killed


Chirac Response
French President Jacques Chirac is rejecting bin Laden's offer saying, "There can be no possible bargaining with terrorists." Chirac's staffers quickly came out with a clarification insisting their government still thinks the Israelis should give terrorists everything they want.