Monday, April 05, 2004

Bush Job Training Plan
President Bush is asking Congress to approve a new job training program to help put the unemployed back to work. But experts say the President could do a lot more to help people with no real job skills by showing them how he ran for office.

Four Questions
Passover begins tonight with the special meal called the Seder where children ask four questions about the holiday. But here are four more contemporary questions for kids to ask tonight:

1) Why can't that very rich man on TV afford a decent hair cut?

2) How come President Bush never talks when Dick Cheney is drinking a glass of water?

3) Does UConn have any majors other than basketball?

4) Grandma, how come all the other Tyco jurors hate you so much?

Homeland Security Department Issues Post-"Friends" Alert
Former Cast Members Post Severe Danger to Public, say Experts

(Washington) Hoping to establish a better record for informing the public of specific terror threats, the Department of Homeland Security is warning the American public of the unique dangers it will face once the popular sit-com "Friends" ends it run next month.
"All Americans should realize that the six current cast members will each pose serious dangers once the show is over and they're on their own," said Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge, "we're asking everyone to be vigilant."
Hollywood experts are applauding the Department's early-warning decision noting the fact that each cast member already has a proved track record of mayhem when not working on the "Friends" set.
"The nation has already endured all of Jennifer Aniston's bad movies as it is," said film critic Richard Roeper, "imagine just how bad it'll get now that she won't have the hectic TV shooting schedule to juggle... her features may even double! It's too terrible to even think about," he added.
Many point to David Schwimmer as the most likely threat.
"At first, you might think that playing the loveably nebbish Jewish character isn't dangerous at all, but anybody who thinks constantly playing those kinds of roles is harmless should take a very close look at Woody Allen's life and career over the last 20 years," said former Bush Administration counterrorism chief Richard Clarke.
While some point to Matt LeBlanc's upcoming spin-off "Joey" as a possible reason to eliminate at least one cast member as a threat, others aren't as optimistic.
"Actually, the spin-off is a 'lose-lose' proposition," said TV critic Linda Stasi, "if the show is cancelled, he's out on the streets, and if it's a hit, then we still have to see him on TV once a week, what's the lesser of those two evils?" she asked.


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